#i really like how pathetic lara came out here

[sideartblog999]

Day 8 of Femslash February: 'Lara looks so lost, so miserable that Sam can’t stop the next stupid thing that slips out of her mouth. “I mean, it’s hard enough to get over you without you reminding me you’ve got, like, a legitimate twelve-pack.”' (Fanart of this fic by @explosionshark go read it, treat yourself, has some great Lara and Sam (and especially Lara) being not the most well adjusted post island)

[raccoon-eyed-rebel]

Part 22

Masterlist

Series masterlist

Part 21 ��� Part 23

Pairing: Syverson x ofc

Series summary: Life with Sy, what more can you wish for? The most amazing husband and father to a whole litter of cute little kids... Sometimes you wonder "how did you get here?"

Chapter warnings: None? Some more angst, maybe? Fluff warning? Idk?

Word count: 1.2k

A/N: It's unbelievable that I now owe up to part 28 of this story. I'm sorry I've been out of it for so long, I'll try to get the next part here a bit faster! @keanureevesisbae There you go, we're out of angst. ❤️

@deandoesthingstome @geralts-yenn @omgkatinka @summersong69 @diegos-butt @beck07990 @peaches1958 @pandaxnienke

“Sy?” You turned around when you heard the door to the bedroom open. The room was cold, even under the blankets, and you were alone. Where was Sy? Was he seriously not coming to bed because of that fight?

“Lara?” That wasn’t Sy. It was Jules. Why was she in your bedroom? And more importantly: Why wasn’t Sy? The duvet you were under seemed to get colder with every passing second, until you finally threw it off you, but the air of the room wasn’t much better. You were overcome by involuntary, violent shivers you couldn’t control.

“Jules? What’s going on, where is Sy?” Outside your window, it was pitch black. It had to be the middle of the night. Why was Jules here at this time of night?

“You have to come with me.” Her voice was weird, flat, and her eyes were empty, as if no one was really there. From the hallway, a cold light lit up your room enough to see there were tears on her cheeks. It had to be bad.

“Jules, what’s happening?” Your voice trembled with terror, but it was nothing compared to what you were actually feeling.

“You have to come with me,” she said again, her voice cold and emotionless. Was she shocked? Afraid of something? You wanted to scooch across Sy’s side of the bed, but instead your leg fell over the edge of… it clearly wasn’t your bed; it was only half the size. Strange. You followed Jules out of the room into a long hallway, cold light, emanated by the fluorescent ceiling lights, bouncing off the walls and floors. This definitely wasn’t your home… It looked more like… A hospital?

“Jules where are we? Where are we going?” “You have to come with me.” It was starting to sound extremely creepy, and it stopped you dead in your tracks.

“Jules,” you demanded, “I’m not coming with you until you tell me what the fuck is going on.”

“There’s been an accident.”

Your eyes opened with tears in them, but you weren’t able to keep them there for long. All it took for them to stream down your face freely was your instinctive move of extending a hand to your right – where Sy was supposed to be sleeping. Except he wasn’t there. In a split second, you were out of bed, out of the room, and flying down the stairs as if your life depended on it. It wasn’t even a relief when you heard the sound that came from the TV in the living room.

“Sugar?” Sy said, definitely sounding more than a little surprised when you dove into his arms. “Darlin’, what’s going on?” He wrapped his arms around you, and you buried your face in his chest. You couldn’t speak, you could barely even breathe: You were simply too busy crying hysterically and clinging to Sy as if he was singlehandedly responsible for keeping you alive. He didn’t speak again until you had calmed down a bit, at which point you apologized a thousand times in a row for your hysterics.

“I had a really bad dream,” you sighed, “I’m sorry.” You couldn’t tell him what it was about. It was pathetic that you needed a dream to realize that a life without Sy would be horrible. Of course, he wouldn’t take no for an answer, even if it meant he had to practically pull the answer out of you – and he did.

“Oh, Sugar,” he chuckled, “I’m right here, not goin’ anywhere.” He gently ran his fingers through your hair, playing with the curls offhandedly as he did.

“I can’t lose you Sy, ever,” you mumbled into his chest, “you mean too much to me.”

“Do I?” You told yourself a million times that he wasn’t asking the question to be mean, or to get you to say something you weren’t ready to say, but you knew you had to give him something. All the feelings were there, why couldn’t you just say the words?

“Sy… You’re my first boyfriend, this is the first time I’m living with someone, and… Everything is happening so incredibly fast… It feels great, I have absolutely zero regrets, and I guess it’s just a little hard to admit to myself I’m really doing the right thing. Because I genuinely believe that, Sy.” It was almost impossible to fight back the tears, impossible to feel as if you weren’t just looking for excuses, but you had to explain. “I- My future has you in it, all the way to the end if it were up to me.”

“Part of it is up to you, Sugar,” Sy said. He was still holding you, the weight of his arms comforting around you, but you just knew you two weren’t completely in the clear yet. “I see a wedding in our future, baby. Ours, in case I didn’t make myself clear.” You laughed through your tears when he said it.

“So… House, wife, kids, the whole nine?” If someone had told you half a year ago that you’d be living with a guy – and not just any guy, but the love of your life – before the end of the year, you’d have laughed in their face. Yet here you were, curled up in Sy’s lap, feeling safer in his arms than you’d ever felt in your entire life.  

“That’s the dream,” he answered with a smile. You’d have laughed at that same person if they’d also told you that all of a sudden, you’d want to give a man a whole bunch of kids, but here you were… Somehow, his next words made you love him even more: “But Sugar, I ain’t talkin’ about no kids yet. We’ve got plenty of time.”  

Sy carried you back to the bedroom and tossed you back on your bed. You shivered as you remembered the dream from before, but that all went away the second Sy joined you, and he pulled you against him as he always did.

“I’m really sorry, Sy,” you said for the millionth time tonight, and he laughed.

“Me too, darlin’,” he said before kissing your neck – which was mostly ‘tickle neck with beard’ at this point, as he’d found out it would make you squirm. “I tend to forget we’re goin’ a mile a minute.”

“I wouldn’t change a single thing, Sy,” you sighed as you nestled yourself into his chest, still wondering why it was so hard to just… Everything changed when he did what he always did; the not-at-all-subtle signature titty-grab that he swore was absolutely necessary for him to get a good night's sleep. “I love you.”

He didn’t say anything for a moment, which made you afraid you’d fucked up royally. Suddenly, you wondered if it was too soon to say stuff like that, but after four months of dating… Did you wait too long? In your defense, he hadn’t said it, either? Maybe you were just overth-

“You’re overthinkin’ this, Sugar.” You could tell he was smiling, even if you couldn’t see him. “I love you, too.”

[sweetchup]

A Helping Hand 3: Feverish

Type: Shalnark x reader

Au?: Savior Au

Word Count: 4,000+

Warnings: Hospital, Cursing, Sexual innuendos, Angst, Slight lemon, and Shalnark being a Shark.

Author Note: Here’s the 3rd part to the helping hand series. I decided to do a shorter one this time but make it a slower build up and much more drama. Do you guys think I should perhaps do some Christmas or New Years special for this one?

<—(Pt.2) / (Pt.4)—>

Helping Hand Masterlist

“Wait, (Y/n) is coming back soon?” Shalnark says, repeating what Clara had just said. He quickly stops his typing to look at Lara and Clara checking to see if they were messing with him or not. It had been almost 2 weeks since (y/n) had taken a paid leave after the incident with Jeremiah. She had stopped by a bunch of times during the first week to check up on Shalnark but had soon stopped visiting when Clara and Lara reassured her that they would personally take care of Shalnark in her absence.

“She sure is! I just got a call from her saying she’ll be coming back in a week, though it is a night shift so you won’t see her until later in the day.” Lara says, nudging him and wiggling her eyebrows. Clara looks at the two before going back to her task while shaking her head, knowing what was about to happen next.

A thick hostile bloodlust fills the room as Shalnark smiles over to Clara. Though it was anything but friendly.

“H-hey I was just joking Shal-l. Come on we are buds, aren’t we?” Lara chokes out, moving away from the man.

“I don’t believe I stated that.”

“Ahh come on—“ A giggle cuts Lara off. Confused, she turns to stare at the new woman who had entered the room. With furrowed eyebrows, Lara looked at Clara who only returned the same confused face back. Who was this woman? It was obvious she was a nurse, but her uniform was that of someone who was located in the NICU. She had no business being in this room.

“Umm who are you?” Clara asks, looking between Shalnark and the woman. Shalnark only shrugs in response, seeming to also not know who she is.

“Oh, how rude of me. I’m Moxxi, I just came in to check up on our little patient here.” She responds cheerfully but her full attention seemed to be on Shalnark not the other two. Strutting past Lara, she leans over and puts a hand on his forehead. Ever so slightly, the three watch as she purposely sticks out her cleavage towards Shalnark. “I’m just going to check you for your temperature, okay?”

The other two glare at Moxxi, highly annoyed, but Shalnark just continues smiling, afterall, many years of practice wouldn’t cause him to break in a time like this. Though, in his head, he was thinking about how she might actually be the most shameless woman he had ever seen.

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to stop you there.” Clara speaks up, fixing her glasses in slight annoyance as she does so.

“What do you mean? I’m a nurse. I doubt you two cafeteria workers are fit for a job…,” Moxxi mockingly looks the two up and down before continuing, “...such as this one.”

Both flinch and glare at her more but before they can even have a chance to rebut Shalnark cuts them off. “These two are friends of mine and have been taking care of me for a couple of weeks. So far, I think they have been doing a great job at taking care of me.”

Moxxi attempts to cut Shalnark off but he just continues on, “Though on the other hand, it is quite unnerving for you to attempt to take care of me when your shirt clearly says you are part of the NICU. I think you should run along and go back to your actual job, someone might actually need you.”

A silence falls upon the room as Shalnark looks at Moxxi in the eyes, challenging her to disagree with what he was saying. The three of them thought she would have begun to run out of the room like the other nurses but for some reason, her laughter suddenly fills the room.

“You're cute. I’ll come visit you some other time.” With one last touch on Shalnark’s shoulder, Moxxi finally leaves the room. Though as she leaves, it was clear to everyone in the room that her actions had caught Shalnark off guard as he freezes in his spot.

Once the door of the room finally shuts, Lara finally voices her anger.

“WHAT IN THE BULL-HORNED ARSE WAS THAT?! LIKE SERIOUSLY, WHO DID THE PLASTIC—“

As Lara continues to voice her anger, shalnark finally comes to and grits his teeth while also dropping his smile. He was correct, she might be the most pathetic woman he had ever met. If only he had his cell phone and antenna on him. He would actually for the first time ever enjoy breaking a toy like her.

Taking a large inhale and exhale in an attempt to calm himself down, he returns his attention back to his computer to continue coding. Perhaps he could threaten the nurse who does the afternoon shift into giving him his phone back.

—.—.—.—.—

Lightly, you blow on the spoon holding the hot sauce like liquid. Once the liquid seemed cooled enough you tasted it before shaking your head. It definitely needed more salt. Adding a pinch of salt, you stir the pot one more time. Attempting to take another taste, you are suddenly cut off by the sudden ringing noise of your phone.

Placing the spoon down you check who was calling. How unusual, it was an unknown caller. Quickly peering a glance at the time, it seemed to still not make sense. Clara, Lara and Mal should still be making their way home from work, so you don’t know who would be calling at this hour.

Answering your cell, you put the phone up to your ear while going back to stir the pot. “Hello?”

“Hi (y/n)! It’s Shal!”

“Shal?!” How did he get his phone back? Wait, how did he even get your number? Actually, why were you even asking that. It was pretty obvious he probably got his cellphone back through threatening or just by stealing it. He also probably just easily hacked into the Hospital’s database to get your number. “How are you?”

“Actually I’m doing pretty well. I’m just cooking some dinner for me right now. Nothing exciting.”

“Oh really?” Shalnark smiles to himself. Leaning against his bed, he stares out the window into the lit up city. He still can’t get over the fact your voice always sounds just so pleasant to him. “What are you having?”

“Just some pasta with tomato sauce? Nothing really special.” You say laughing a bit at the end. With the euphoric sound of your laughter hitting his ears, Shalnark feels his face heat up in embarrassment and he ends up tucking his face into his knees to hopefully calm the fluttering beat of his heart. Even with you being miles away, you still somehow have this effect on him.

“Oh really? I bet it will taste amazing.”

Out of your control, you feel your face heat up at Shalnark’s compliment and you bite your lip to hold back the feeling of wanting to scream, “I guess so. It’s a new recipe but I don’t think I did it right.”

“Oh well. Don’t worry about it, it will at least taste better than having the cafeteria food I had for dinner.” Shalnark can’t help but giggle as you let out a surprised gasp.

“Shal. You know Clara and Lara would kick your butt if they heard you say such a thing!”

“I know. I’m only messing with you.”

A silence fills the air between you two. However, it’s not awkward at all. It’s surprisingly actually rather pleasant.

“Hey Shal?” Shalnark humms to let you know he was listening. “I-I—“

You pause at what you were going to say. Your face a deep crimson as you press your forehead against the cold countertop. You can’t tell him how you feel. Not like this. Lifting you head up, you look determined out the window. You were going to tell him in person as soon as you came back. You were positive about it.

“H-how was your day?”

“It was okay.”

“Just okay?” You repeat. Usually Shalnark would go into a tangent about what sort of item he coded today or diss some sort of video game that didn’t suit his taste.

“Yeah. It was kind of a boring day but… do you happen to know of a nurse named Moxxi? She works in the…”

“NICU?” You say finishing his sentence as you dish out a plate of food for yourself. Taking a bite, you let out a small sigh. You were correct from before, you added too much olive oil to the sauce. Oh well, better luck next time

“You know of her?”

“Yeah. I don’t personally know her but I’ve heard of her. She’s well known in the hospital for…” You massage the back of your neck as you think. How should you exactly approach this topic, you wonder. “Sleeping around with her patient’s… partners..”

“Really?!”

“Yeah… she’s not well liked with management per say especially now that she has switched to other patients from other sectors and even other doctors. But it’s hard to deny she’s good at her job so they don’t want to fire her.”

“Oh I see.”

“Yeah… she hasn’t tried to approach you has she?”

“She did today. Though, Clara and Lara were with me as well.”

“Okay.” You let out a loud sigh. Of course this had to be happening while you were out on leave.

“You okay, (y/n)?”

“Y-yeah. Of course. Just try to stay away from her, she might try something.”

“Well yeah. I don’t want to be getting like 4 STDs.”

“Shal!” You yell laughing with him.

—.—.—.—.—

“(Y/n).”

That was the last time you talked to Shalnark, almost a week ago and finally you were back at the hospital, working. You had been given the occasional update by Lara and Clara but both had been very busy with their jobs recently. So they couldn’t be there every time Moxxi tried to go to Shalnark but they believe they caught most of it.

“(Y/n)”

You really wanted to go check up Shalnark to see if what that nurse had been up to. But you were just so busy right now, practically slammed with cases. God, this was just so extremely frustrating to you. What if he actually decided to flirt back? Just the thought of him flashing his smile at some other girl or leaning over her to explain some sort of game. It just made your heart ache so much. Maybe you should have actually confessed your feelings over the phone.

“(Y/n)!” You flinch at the loud voice, turning around frantically to see it was Mal who had called you.

“Sorry Mal. I was just reviewing this case and I got—“

“(Y/n)...” Mal says cutting you off and grabbing the piece of paper from your hand. “That patient was dispatched to another sector almost an hour ago.”

“A-ah. Sorry. I-I—“

“I swear…” The elderly lady says, shaking her head. “Are you worried about the male patient of yours again?”

“Umm I—“ You attempt to lie but the look Mal gives you shuts downs the thought of doing that. In defeat and embarrassment, you avoid your eyes from hers and nervously rub the back of your neck.

“Go.”

“Huh?”

“Most of the patients have been taken care of and we have more than enough staff available tonight. Why don’t you go and check up on him?”

“Y-you sure?”

“Why yes. It is one of your general tasks isn’t it?” She says slipping a key card into your hand.

“A key card? Mal, what’s this for?”

“Oh yeah I guess they haven’t told you. They place keycards onto the entrance doors of the long term room that activate at night. Apparently a certain nurse has been slipping in and out of the rooms at night. They are trying to counter it.”

Your stomach drops and you give a small nod in affirmation. Could Shal and Moxxi be? Giving a curt bow to excuse yourself, you walk throughout the hallways to get to his room. Though the more you thought about it the more impatient you got and before you knew it, you were practically sprinting to get to his room. Even something as simple as waiting to take the elevator seemed to take too long. So instead you ran up all 5 flights of stairs.

Winded, you decide to just jog the rest of the way to get to his room. Though as soon as you reach the door, you pause. With your heart hammering, you were unsure of what to do next and unsure of what could possibly be on the other side. Were you ready to come face to face with something that could practically crush you? Deciding to not knock you just swing the door open and—

You breathe out a sigh of relief. There was no Moxxi in the room. Only Shalnark. Just sleeping ever so peacefully. Even if you still didn’t know if something happened between them while you weren’t here, it at least calmed the aching in your heart to see that she wasn’t in the room alone with him.

Carefully as to not wake him up, you take a seat on his bedside. Observing him and the room around you, you check his clipboard to see how he had been doing without you.

According to the other nurse, he had been cooperative with doing his daily PT and other sessions. He also hasn’t been missing out on any meals nor needed any new meds. So far, everything seems to be good and not out of the ordinary. Though as soon as you thought that your eyes caught something written in the bottom corner in red.

“Patient has been experiencing vivid nightmares and usually unable to sleep…”

But... Shalnark seems to be doing okay for tonight. Hesitantly, you reach over and place a hand on his forehead.

“Holy!” You shoot up in surprise. His temperature was extremely hot. Finally examining more of him you see that his skin was also flushed, covered in a slight sweat shine and his breathing was labored. Why hadn’t anyone seen this? He should have had vitals and blood tests today.

Checking the clipboard again, you are shocked to see that his vitals and blood test were perfectly fine. What was exactly going on? A virus like this needs time to build up. They should have been able to—

You pause your tangent. Could it be? Activating your Gyo, you gasp slightly as you see a foreign aura flowing throughout his body and in his aura.

A transmitter. But how did they exactly transmit their aura into him…

Looking around the room, your eyes catch the strange aura covering his food and water. You knew Clara and Lara couldn’t have possibly done this as they had the day off. Checking the clock you realize that dinner was served only 20 minutes ago, meaning the perpetrator was probably still in the building.

Sprinting across the room, you dial the security office number.

“Hello Paul speaking.”

“Paul!”

“Doctor (y/n)! Hello dear I—“

“Sorry but no time for that. I have a patient who may have been poisoned through his food by a Nen user.” While still on the landline phone you make your way over to Shal and draw a cool cloth to attempt to slowly cool down his temperature.

“What?!”

“Yeah I know it’s hard to believe but I need you to check the camera’s and catch that person immediately. Bring Gano with you, his ability will come in handy to question them. I need to find out what they exactly did to him so I can get it out of his system.”

“I’ll find them right away and will call you back.”

As soon as Paul hangs up the phone you prep all the possible medications and necessities you could need to help Shal. You also, in a last resort, got a private doctor who specialized in Nen exorcism on ready to be called down. While changing Shalnark’s washcloth you got a call back from Paul.

“Hello? Paul?”

“(Y/n)! We are on the way to catch them. It’s a nurse named Moxxi from NICU.” You curse under your breath. Of course it was her. “We found out that she can change her aura into different substances animals make. She drugged her aura into the Hallucigen properties of the Bufo toad. It also seemed she had just left the patient's room to use the restroom near NICU when you had come up. She—“

“Hallucigen? Are you sure?” Quickly you race to the shelf and grab the dictionary of side effects of different animals. Why was he having a fever if it was only an hallucigen.

“Yes. Hey! Stop her! I have to go, she's running away. Don’t worry about anything Miss (y/n). Gano took a quick look online and saw that the toad wasn’t deadly or poisonous.” Before you can ask anything more he hangs up. You knit your brows in confusion as you flip throughout the pages. If it’s not poisonous or deadly then why would she use it?

“(Y-y/n)...” A voice croaks out. Whipping your head around, you see Shalnark was awake and attempting to get up.

“Sit down,” With the book still in your hand you make your way to him, “Shal you need to lay back down—“

Suddenly, you're caught off guard as Shalnark pulls you towards him. This was just getting even more strange by the minute. Normally, Drugged individuals should be feeling quite weak now and not want to move.

“Shal! You—“ Your eyes widen in surprise as he suddenly grabs the back of your head. Your heart practically bursts as he captures your lips in a feverish kiss. Desperately, while he kissed you, his hands mingled up and down your body. Attempting to grab and explore at any possible skin he could reach.

Releasing your lips with a small moan, he moves his lips to explore up and down the available area of your neck.

“Shal!” You moan out as he bites at a certain area of his neck. Groaning back in satisfaction at your willing response, he pulls the rest of your body on top of him.

You let out a small stuttery gasp as his hands massage at your hips.

“Shal. Shal. St-Stop it’s the—“ Another gasp falls from your lips as his hand teasingly drops a little below the waistband of your pants. There was no doubt in your mind now. Moxxi attempted to drug Shalnark with an aphrodisiac. A substance that can increase someone’s sexual desire, sexual pleasure, or sexual behavior.

You were glad that it wasn’t anything bad and all he needed to do was get the substance out of his system. But, by just waiting and allowing time to pass could easily solve this problem as well. You weren’t about to take advantage of his drugged up like-state.

Clumsily, you run your fingers through his hair and push his face from out of your neck.

“S-Shal. Look at me.” Your breath hitches as you can finally get a clear look at his blown out eyes. He was clearly out of it. “Shal. Let’s stop, you don’t want to do this. It’s the—“

“N-no. (Y/n) please” Shalnark pleads, grabbing your hand to stop you as you attempt to get off his lap. He quickly pulls you back to give you a soft kiss on your lips but you quickly away. “I want this. Please. God, I’ve missed you so much. You don’t know how much I’ve waited for this. I-I-...”

He pauses for a second before looking you in the eyes, “I love you (y/n). Like I’ve never loved before.”

A tingling feeling sparks throughout your body as you hear him tell you that. You wanted to give in so bad but you knew you shouldn’t.

“S-Shalnark, let’s stop for now.” You say, finally managing to get off his lap. Taking a deep sigh to calm yourself down, you begin to fix your clothes up. After finishing making yourself look presentable, and to hide the hickeys he had made, you look back over to Shalnark who is giving you a sad look.

Letting out a small sigh, you lean over and give him a small loving kiss. Pulling away, slightly panting, you rest your forehead against his. “Just because I stopped doesn’t mean I don’t like you idiot. It’s just you’re in a very drugged up state. I want to do this when you are sober and willing.”

Shalnark lets out a small sigh but nods his head, “o-okay.”

“Here. I’ll grab you some sleeping pills so you can hopefully sleep it off. I’ll also give you something to lower your temperature.” You explain, grabbing some different pills and a new cup of water. Handing it to him, he takes it while you sit down on the edge of the bed.

Suddenly, as soon as he is finished taking the pills, he leans in to give you a small kiss on the lips.

“I love you” Shalnark says, slightly slurring his words. He flashes you his cheeky smile before giving you another small kiss and laying down.

You smile down on him as well as you respond back, “I love you too.”

You pet your fingers through his hair until he slowly lulls himself off to sleep. Once you see he is passed out, you check your phone to see if there are any updates from Paul. Seeing that you had missed one call, you carefully get up from the bed to call him back.

“Hey Paul? Yeah, everything is fine here. How was—“

—.—.—.—.—

“WHERE’S THAT BITCH?!” Mal flinches at the yelling, almost dropping her morning coffee. “Miss Clara please do not yell in my department especially in the morning while others are sleeping.”

“I’m sorry Mal but I just can’t believe that bitch Moxxi tried to—“

“I’ve already been made aware of the details. Moxxi has already been taken into police custody and (y/n) and Shalnark are perfectly fine.”

“Are you sure? Where is (y/n) I need to talk to her—“

“Lara calm down.” Lara spins around to the voice to see her best friend, Clara, behind her. Surprised to see her friend already here, Lara grabs her by the shoulders and moves her away from most people to privately talk to her. “Clara, did you hear what happened?”

“Of course I did.”

“Then, why are you so calm? Mate, Moxxi drugged Shal with an sex drug! And (y/n) was left alone with him. Like, holy shit! They probably slept together. Our ship possibly has sailed and, Hell, (Y/n) might be having a baby on the way! Like—“

Clara shushes Lara to calm her down. “Lara. Calm down. They didn’t have sex and (y/n) isn’t pregnant.”

“Well, something must have happened?!”

“Well, Yeah, there were romantic things.“

“See. Then— (Y/n)!” Lara cuts herself off once she sees (Y/n) round the corner. Lara is about to run to her friend when she sees (Y/n) practically collapse into her office chair and place her head down on the counter. Confused, Lara slowly inches her way to her friend.

“(Y/n)? Are you—“ “Please someone get me a cup of water.” You mumble to no one in particular. Picking the cup up, Clara hands it to you. Lara watches in wide eyes as you pour the whole thing over your head.

“(Y/n)?” “How could I forget something like that!” You shout looking up at the three. Finally now that your head is lifted up, Lara can see your face is a burning bright red.

Confused, Lara turns to Clara while you whine Mal’s ear off.

“Okay, what the fuck happened?”

Clara sighs as she shakes her head, “Aphrodisiac drugs cause increased sexual desire, sexual pleasure, or sexual behavior. However, most Side effects include Dizziness, Nausea, and…

…Memory loss of all to most events while under the influence.”

Bonus:

Shalnark looks at the door, very confused about why you had suddenly got up and left. Was it something he said? No, that can’t be it. All he had asked was when you had gotten back and what happened last night. He wondered what had happened.

Could it be?

A blush finds its way on the blonde man’s face. He hoped he hadn’t said anything weird while sleeping last night. Especially with that dream he had.

After all, that dream almost felt too real. He actually thinks he can almost taste your cherry flavored lip balm on his lips.

But, that can’t be correct. It was only a dream… right?

People who have been waiting: @meromelodi , @quartetstarheaven , @yumezai , @lvndrhwis , @writtenappreciation , @jojo-sinner

[retvenkos]

“you’ve always been someone to me”

BEING PETER KAVINSKY’S YOUNGER SISTER AND HAVING A CRUSH ON JOHN AMBROSE MCCLAREN WOULD HAVE TO GO A LITTLE SOMETHING LIKE THIS...

so you’re one year younger than peter

which means peter has all the rights to saying “i’m older than you, so i decide” without having to do any work for you because you're too small (like doing the dishes because you can’t or something)

which, of course, means the two of you have always argued with each other in regular sibling fashion, but makeup quickly because your rooms are literally right next to each other.

but, this also means that you are close enough in age to where his friends are basically your friends while growing up

you first met john ambrose because peter had brought him over to hang out after school

and you remember thinking he was nice, if not a little nerdy

and soon, you guys started to hang out a lot

especially after gen and peter got together

and you guys became really close, and even after he and peter sort of grew apart, the two of you stayed friends

you could vent to john ambrose about your brother and he could agree, but also point out that he was still your brother and cared a lot about you

and that was one thing you always liked about john ambrose

he was quiet and levelheaded and thought things through

and he was smart

and he was funny

and he was sweet

and he was cute

and he liked you for you

and that was always a thing, wasn’t it? people seemed to like you for who your brother was. but not john ambrose. not him.

and peter watches your feelings towards john ambrose shift and you know it fills him with absolute glee conflicting with an over-protective nature

which makes for an awkward limbo where he will tease you about your “lil’ crush on johnny boy” but will then posture to or try to be better than john ambrose

this, of course, is fodder for a lot of arguments between the two of you

“why can’t you just grow up and leave us alone, peter? he doesn’t like me like that!”

“but you like him that way!”

“no i don’t!”

“really, (y/n)?”

you can never win these arguments. because even if you deny it, both of you know that you have an undeniably  h u g e  crush on john ambrose mcclaren

but then he moves and everyone moves on like he was never really there

but not you

you write to him - emails, mostly, but you also managed to find him on social media and send him memes

and you know that this makes peter even more insufferable

“stop sexting john and come down here! i need help making dinner!”

“SHUT UP, PETER!”

and all this time, you never say a word of your feelings

how pathetic would it make you?

“i know we haven’t seen each other in years, but i’ve always had a crush on you, and i’m waiting for you if you ever decide to come back”

peter would make so much fun of you if he ever found out

and what makes it worse is when sends you an email that lara jean sent him a letter in the mail? and it said how she loved him in middle school?

and that ate at you

you couldn’t look at lara jean for weeks after finding out

because she was dating peter, so why would she send that

and why were you indefinitely in the shadow of someone else?

first it was peter - faster than you, stronger than you, more popular than you; and now it’s lara jean - more confident than you, and more deserving of love than you

you don’t know how to respond

and so you don’t

peter notices that something is wrong and spends more time with you

the teasing stops and the real conversations start

and you were never going to tell him about the letter that lara jean sent john ambrose

but it just came out

and then peter and lara jean are on the rocks and everything that is wrong is your fault

and then john ambrose is on your doorstep

and you’re shocked, and you’re sad, and you still love him

and you don’t know what else to do but fling your arms around him

and he wraps you in a hug

and it’s soft

and warm

and his sweater smells like the same laundry detergent that he used to use - the memory previously locked away but now resurfacing in your mind

and you feel him sigh against you, and it’s comforting and different and new all at the same time

“you’re here.”

“i am”

and his smile fills you with admiration and longing

“i’m sorry i never answered you back”

“i know. peter told me”

and you blink in confusion

“peter?”

and he just nods

and for now, everything is fine, and you’re content to hold john ambrose’s hand as you walk up the familiar path to your bedroom where you will talk for the rest of the day

tomorrow, though, you are going to your brother for answers.

how much did he tell?

AND FLUFF ENSUES.

[malethirsty]

And The Beat Goes On - Tomaso Ciampa

Summary: You’d never expected to become so attached to Tomaso Ciampa, first you were a fan, then you were his protege but can the relationship go much further than that? The answer will surprise you.

Warnings: M/M smut (21+), Bareback (Wrap Before You Tap), Violence

Inspired by: https://twitter.com/malethirst/status/1198592781150670848?s=21 & also a request hy @issacloveswwe so if you’re into hot men wrestling and a perspective on it, please check him out, he’s awesome.

If Tomaso Ciampa considered himself daddy, then you were his son. Ever since he had the NXT Title removed from him, he had been training you for your big debut on the roster. He worked you hard with strikes & promo work “They’re actually one and the same, it’s about mentally weakening your opponent, working them down till they can’t do much else and then striking like a snake.” He told you, and you took his advice to heart. Though many saw an evil Blackheart machine, you saw the kind and good soul that lurked beneath.

You appreciated the times you’d spent with him, but when he finally healed and returned to the roster, you were suddenly half complete, he still trained with you but in a lower capacity as he chased Adam Cole for the NXT Title. You were right there supporting him as he intended to make his trip to a Two Time Champion. But in TakeOver Brooklyn, it all came thudding to a halt, you had been in the front row, as part of the NXT team Showing off their new roster talents, so you were stuck as you watched Tomaso’s ‘friend’ Johnny Gargano take the belt and fuck up Tomasso’s plans, letting Adam eclipse him. Was it anger towards Tomaso or a desire to get back at Finn Bálor who beat him earlier by taking away his longest reigning stat, you didn’t know, all you knew was you had to make sure he was alright. A while after TakeOver ended, you walked up to the meds room to see Ciampa on his back, looking blankly up at the roof. “Tomasso” you got out and he looked up at you “Y/N, please go, you shouldn’t have to see me like this, all broken down.” “Bull” you said “It’s wrestling, if I couldn’t handle seeing you beaten up every now and again, I’d be your aged care nurse, not your protege.” He shot a grin ‘Thank God he’s cheering up’ you thought “Think we can train together, to beat Gargano I need to think sharper than before.” You excitedly nodded, more time with him meant you could alleviate that broken emotion you had once he’d stopped. Not thank you were thankful for either Adam or Gargano, the thought of thanking them made you shudder.

So eventually you trained together, Tomasso picking up some of the brutal tips you had gained on the indie circuit. Perhaps a bit too well, as a few weeks later, Ciampa took the brutality to new heights as he smashed Gargano around. Gargano did give as good as he got, but Tomasso was the main deliverer of pain. After the mess was cleared up, Regal & Triple H demanded their differences be resolved, through one last final match. “Gargano’s come last in these due to recklessness” you said, referring to the Cole v. Gargano match at TakeOver: Toronto “He would have had time to practice since then, we can’t rest on him” Ciampa reminded you. Nodding, cause he was right, you still had the last encouraging word “Listen, if you pull it together, you’ll be fine.” Ciampa locked eyes with you, his blue eyes meeting your warm ones and did something that many would be surprised in, he smiled “Well then help me train Y/N, let’s beat this son of a bitch.”

With the PC short staffed due to COVID-19, you and Tomaso trained in close quarters, keeping a distance apart in case, though both of you were cleared, you didn’t want to run the risk. However, wonder lurked in your head ‘What would happen once this feud is over, what will Tomaso Ciampa do?’ You hoped he wouldn’t leave you again, it was painful enough the first time “What are you thinking of?” Tomaso asked “Whether we’ll continue this after this One Final Beat match is done.” You said “Of course we will! The only reason I was distant is that I love having you around and when I went for the NXT title, I needed to focus.” ‘At least he didn’t hate me or something’ you thought as you smiled at him “You know you have the most beautiful smile.” You turned around shocked that Tomaso would let out a comment like that, he was usually more stoic in his praise “Well thank you!” You said, surprised “What? You think I’m not capable of being nice?” “Well given you ran around as a heel for two years it’s a bit surprising” he humorously flipped you off and both of you laughed as you set back to work.

Finally the day arrived and this time, you decided to watch in gurrella instead of watching in the stands, hoping it would change luck, despite Tomaso’s insistence otherwise “Changing position won’t change the match.” He said blankly “I know that, I’m using gurrella as a look out, if someone’s running up with a steel chair linked to Gargano, I can go out behind them and yell to warn you.” Tomaso’s eyebrows raised “That’s actually a good plan, maybe this old dog has taught you new tricks.” “You. Are. 34. Years. Old.” You exasperatedly said slamming your hands together with every word, causing your mentor to burst out laughing. “Ciampa and Gargano to gurrella, Ciampa and Gargano to gurrella” came an announcers voice over the loudspeakers, you passed Candice LaRae on the way up and gave her a short smile which she returned. Eventually you arrived and you used the pretext of going to the food table to stay there whilst both men were briefed on what the match would be. As soon as both men departed, you turned around to watch.

Unpleasant would be an understatement, both these men went at it with such force, it was like they really were fighting for their lives. It got so damn rough that you weren’t surprised that Candice LaRae ran in through gurrella seemingly in tears ‘She’ll probably get Gargano to stop.’ You figured, and she did with a smooth kick to his groin “That’s gonna cost her, no sex at all tonight.” You humoursly commented to the backstage crew who chuckled, only for the laughter to turn into shocked gasps as Candice delivered one to Tomasso! Gargano covered Ciampa as the ref counted 1, 2 and ... 3. “NO!” You yelled, in utter agony that your companion had lost the final battle, you covered your hands and sunk to the ground, it was like your heart had splintered all over the place, no matter of glue could fix it. Your strategy ruined, Ciampa broken, Gargano & Candice dripped in decedant evil, standing prideful above their fallen former friend.

By the point the cameras went off air, the empty heartbrokenness was gone, replaced by pure, unadulterated rage. “Oh look, it’s the bitch of a guard dog.” Gargano said grinning “Hello Gargano” you said curtly, not wanting to tell them how weak they had made you “Looks like you got an upper hand.” You gestured to Candice “Yes he did” she returned, “Maybe you consider getting with the winning team and stop following Ciampa around with love heart eyes.” “And what’s that supposed to mean?” You asked, your tone ranging to dangerous levels. “Y/N, it simply means you should break off this pathetic one sided crush and be with us, we can train you better, be there for each other, even make you scream better than that old man ever could.” “Besides” Candice said, following Gargano’s venemous statement “Johnny Wrestling is known for being the perfection of wrestling, me a pioneer of intergender wrestling and you could be our sponge, soak up all we have so that you can be the most powerful version of yourself, not what many here say you are, the dick rider for Tomaso Ciampa. That is what they say you are, only relevant for riding Tomaso’s weak cock.”

Aggravated was not even the word, you were BEYOND furious. You got right up to Candice’s face “Honey, you aren’t known here as a pixie, or as an intergender pioneer, Kimg Corbin has been more of an intergender pioneer than you. For the entire time you’ve been here, you have been Johnny Gargano’s wife. If it wasn’t for the man’s dick you’re riding, you wouldn’t be in NXT in the first place. And you.” You turned your attention to Gargano “You have some fucking nerve, you think everyone is out to get you, and they have power hungry motives. Well I hope you love your power trip, cause soon you’ll turn it to each other and you know what they say ‘Live Together, Die Alone’” Johnny took a swing at you, you blocked it and using your legs, barrelled down Gargano and placed him in an armbar, he writhed and screamed in pain, Candice taking a run up, you then did something that was both very gutsy, and very risky. Using the rest of your body, you swung your right leg forwards striking Candice right in her vagina, causing her to bellow in pain as she collapsed. Suddenly hands were pulling you away from Gargano “Stop. STOP!” Came William Regal’s voice, and upon this, you slunked away, angry as you were, it was dangerous for anyone to piss off Regal, you instead made your way inside the ring area.

Tomasso was still there on the ring floor, utterly in despair, not like the TakeOver Tomaso, who looked at the roof immerly beginning for advice. He looked like someone who didn’t know where to go, or what they’d do. You went through the ropes into the ring “Tomaso” he flinched “Y/N, leave.” “Stop that, I’ve seen you like this bef-“ “I want you to go!” Tomaso yelled, it stunned you, but you refused to give in “No.” Tomasso began to start crying “Why would you spend all your time on me, you heard Gargano, I’m a failure as your trainer.” “That is crap and you fucking know it, how could you have failed me if I have yet to wrestle a match?, Triple H is looking for spots, as soon as Cole looses his belt, I’m in.” Tomaso shook his head “Your trainer should win matches, not loose them.” “If your trainer is perfect, they try to exact the same standard on you and that’s not it, cause everyone has to lose at something. I’m not good at flips, does that mean I’m a bad protege? Of course not! Tomaso I need you, the WWE Universe needs you, more importantly, you need you, wrestling was what you are made for, take that away and you’ll be miserable.” Tomaso finally got to his feet “Give me a reason” “Are you serious? You know in your heart you want to do this.” “Y/N, I need more than my heart right now, cause my heart gets me into this shit, it got me to reunite DIY and look how that turned out, I meed you to give me a reason, why do you need me? Why am I a shattered man so important to your growth here?” “BECAUSE I LOVE YOU TOMASO!”

The words escaped your mouth and a long while ago you’d curse yourself but now you didn’t care “I fucking love you Tomaso, I have done since the day I saw you, when you offered to mentor me, it was like a dove was soaring in me, it was liberating. As we spent more time together, everything deepened, I knew it wasn’t a crush, I knew it was love, pure, utterly reckless love. And that’s when you went back to the main roster to chase for the NXT Championship, I was in such pain, I had spent so much time with you, that time away ripped me open from the inside out. I finally got to get back to that when the whole TakeOver thing went down, I would have liked it to be at a celebration party where we lined up and kissed your ass, but it was in the med room and I didn’t mind, cause I’d rather have you a loser then not have you at all. I love you Tomaso Ciampa, let me know when you have enough balls to love yourself as much.” You finished, breathing heavily, it was Tomaso who looked stunned now as he got to his feet. Knowing you wouldn’t get much else out of him, you turned away, before his hand grabbed you and swung you back around. “I’ve said m-“ you tried to get out but the time for talk was gone, Tomaso was kissing you deeply, wrapping his hands around your head deepening it, like if he let go, you would vanish.

Eventually you broke apart as Tomaso got rid of each article of clothing you had on, along with his gear, so soon both of you were standing naked in the ring. You admired Tomaso’s naked body, he was like one of those Roman gladiators, mattered chest hair, thick muscles and quite possibly the biggest cock you’d ever seen “Get on the floor.” You went down slowly, knowing if you dropped to your knees suddenly, you could bruise yourself or worse, Tomaso laughed gutturally “So damn pretty when you obey daddy. Who do you belong to?” “Y-you daddy.” “That’s right” Tomasso groans out as he moves almost serpent like back towards your mouth, that’s when his dick is near your ass and before you could stop yourself you blurted out “You’re my first.” You blushed a deeper red as Tomaso gazed down at you, moving his hands up your torso “Oh Y/N, I should have known, you shy you were when you first saw me, the timidness behind you when you were trying to ask me things, you didn’t know how to act strong cause you’d never been in love, never knew what it was like to be fucked by a daddy like me. Don’t worry, I’ll help you, like every time before.” Tomasso’s fingers rested on your mouth “Open” he demanded and you did so, sucking his fingers deep down, coating them with saliva. “Good work babe, you know how to make daddy happy, you need a bit of help and that’s alright, relationships are give and take. Relax your ass for me, part your cheeks.” Wondering why you had to part them, you obeyed his instructions, you were about to ask why, only for your question to turn into a gasp as Tomasso shoved a finger in and pushed around, your walls were clamping around him and it was slightly painful “Tomaso, it hurts.” You got out, he quickly pressed his lips to your head “I know, this always happens, do you want me to stop or?” He asked, looking at you for your consensus “Rest a bit” you asked and he obeyed your instructions this time, waiting for a few minutes as you got used to it “Now” you said and Tomaso continued, this time you got a rush and groaned “I’m going to do two now alright? Grip my left hand to numb the pain, if you want to stop say Cold, and I’ll stop, understand?” He looked at you waiting for an answer and you nodded your head.

It was quite an experience, being stretched open by your trainer turned lover in the middle of a wrestling ring, he was right about the pain as he stretched you with more fingers, but by squeezing his hand, you were reassured he was here and would stop if you needed. As with the first, the burn passed and soon you were bucking on his fingers “Daddy, I need your cock” you moaned out in bliss, Tomasso grinning as he removed his fingers and readied your cock “Your hole isn’t Goldie, but I can still tell it “Daddy’s Home!”” With that he shoved his cock inside your ass, the stretch making you rise off the ring, chest first, like an exorcism, but exorcism’s didn’t include a muscular daddy moaning in your ear and stroking your back “So tight for daddy, calm down baby boy, it’s alright daddy’s got you now, I’ll make sure you have the most incredible sex ever.” You nodded, Tomaso’s voice was like molten gold to you and you were desperate to experience all of him.

Tomaso began a gentle pace as he fucked you, moans coming from your mouth non stop, him occasionally adding a groan as well. After a while, whilst you liked this nice nature, you wanted to dance on the wild side, you dug your nails into Tomaso’s back and lent into his ear “I want more”. You drew back to see him grin as he picked the pace up, as his balls began to thud against your ass “Oh yes Y/N! Oh My God, so good for daddy, such a tight hole, desperate and needy for daddy’s cock! Push yourself onto me! I need you close!” You obeyed Tomasso’s instructions as you met, making you both cry out in ecstasy. “Oh Yes! YES TOMASO!” You cried out “Yeah, you like daddy’s big dick?” “Yes! Please never stop fucking me!” “Wouldn’t that be something.” He shot a smile down at you as you continued to work yourself on his cock. You decided to be experimental, you lent forwards as he fucked you and bit into one of his nipples, stimulating it with your teeth, the other with your fingers “OH YES!” Tomasso screamed aloud “Oh fuck Y/N, you’re kinky and I want to show you it all, BDSM, nipple clamps, handcuffs, whips, you name it, we’ll try it! God it took so long for us to say we loved each other but look at us now!”

This was incredible, you were both in the ring, fucking all the tension out of each other, you were starting to experience a hot sensation, not like burning but more a warmth down your lower reigions “Oh Tomaso! Tomaso! TOMASO!” You yelled as your cock shot something over you “Oh my sweet baby boy shot his load all over himself. That’s alright, I’ll teach you cum control.” “W-was that bad to do?” You asked “N-no, in fact your walls are clenching tighter now than before. You can control when it happens though, it’s all experience and knowing when you’re close.” He explained as he bucked faster and rougher “Oh Y/N, daddy’s gonna cum! I’m clean, do you want me to leave it in or take it out?” You thought quickly, knowing as amazing of a fuck Tomaso was, even he would be weak closer to his release like you were “Leave it in, we already have one load out, we need one in.” Tomaso’s face lit up “Yeah, I’m gonna cum in you Y/N, you’re gonna take daddy’s load so good aren’t you?” You nodded your head eagerly as you rose up to meet Ciampa Oh Fuck Y/N! Daddy’s gonna cum, take it all baby boy. Oh fuck yes! OHH! AH!” Other various moans came out as he shot his load all over your tightened walls.”

Tomaso, load free and fuck done, fell forwards onto you, protecting your head from impacting the wood of the ring. You stayed there for a while, catching breath as you got to grips with his thick arms, somehow they made you safe, though you weren’t aware how a pair of arms could do that, but you guessed being around Tomaso, you’d appreciate a lot more. Speaking of Tomaso, he moved his head up to give you a kiss “I love you Y/N, stay with me.” “Of course daddy. I love you Tomaso Ciampa.” You both grinned and laughed, before sharing another kiss. Despite Trips saying the match was one last beat, you knew Tomaso’s blackheart would beat for you and somehow, that was everything.

[johnbernsteinx]

First Date | Self-Para (not really)

Just a little throwback thread we did for John and Quinn’s (@quinn-hawthorne) first date. This can be backdated about exactly a year ago. 🤡

trigger warnings: mentions of alcoholism and drug addiction, nervous boys and some kissin’.

A date. It was probably a mistake to do this. Quinn didn’t do this. His last date was -- over seven years ago, and with the only person he’d ever wanted something serious with. It didn’t have to be a thing, and he knew that. Something casual, something just to try and ‘get back out there’ so to speak. Was it pathetic that Quinn’s only real dating history was with Lara? Even when they hadn’t been together in nearly a decade? He was sure it was getting there. But, this, this was good, right? John was good looking, sweet, and he hadn’t refused the date. He could take that as enough. Maybe this would be a one time thing, that was okay. He didn’t expect much out of himself, figuring that John would realize quickly that this was a mistake, that he didn’t want to even speak to Quinn again, and he had to be okay with that. He liked John, though, he’d become a friend over the past few months, niceties turned into light flirting, and now here they were.

Quinn sat across from John, trying to cover up his nerves, or uncertainty. It was just dinner, fuck, that didn’t need to be a big deal. When the waiter came to the table, handing the drink menu to Quinn before starting to go over it, Quinn offered it up to John, an uncomfortable smile crossing his features as he did. “I’ll just have a water, thanks,” he told the waiter once he’d gone over probably too many drinks for Quinn’s own good, suddenly feeling sheepish at having made the poor guy go over the list. “But, please,” he waved a hand toward John, his eyes meeting the other man’s from across the table. “Anything you want. Don’t feel like you can’t.”

__

John wasn’t sure if he could remember the last time he’d felt as nervous as he did that night. After spending an embarrassing amount of time getting ready – more than he’d ever like to admit – he’d finally decided on an outfit and it was then when he allowed himself a moment to process what was even happening. Quinn asking him out had come as a surprise. A welcome one, but a surprise nonetheless. They got along well, John knew that and maybe their friendly banter had turned into something that came close to some teasing but with how long he’d been out of the dating game, John almost felt like he had to relearn the first steps. His last real date had been years ago. There’d been one or two in the meantime but they barely mattered, considering they ended in him never seeing the person in question ever again. Maybe that was just something John had been cursed with – an inability to keep someone interested or maybe he was being too oblivious – the same way he’d been with Quinn up until now.

He hadn’t expected Quinn to be interested in him that way. He hadn’t even considered that he could be and yet, here he was, sitting in a dimly lit restaurant across from the other man, his nerves leaving him a little shaky and unfocused as he reached up to fix his glasses and cleared his throat – a nervous habit he couldn’t quite seem to shake. Quinn had been nothing but nice to him ever since they’d met. Kind and handsome, a little dorky in a way John found endearing but now, he couldn’t help but go over the advances he might’ve missed. The hints and the flirting he registered as Quinn being friendly. It made him feel a little stupid but he was snapped out of his thoughts when a waiter came by, a hint of surprise glimmering in his dark eyes when he accepted the card with a quiet thank you. His order caught him off-guard and maybe he’d imagined the slight discomfort on the other man’s features but he couldn’t help the way his brows pulled together. “Oh! Uh…,” he trailed off, eyes scanning over the menu as his hand lifted to touch his glasses again before he could stop himself and John met Quinn’s eyes momentarily before looking over to the waiter. “For me, too – thank you,” he said politely, waiting for him to walk off before he tilted his head, a curious smile on his lips. “You don’t drink?”

__

It had been a long time that Quinn had started flirting with John before he thought the other man had even picked up on it fully. Nothing crass, just little things. He wondered how much coffee he’d brought John as a means of trying to win his favor without John even realizing just what he was doing. But, it didn’t matter, not really. He had finally gotten some courage to ask, half expecting a no, of course it would have been gentle, kind and sweet. Or maybe John was just too nice to say no outright. Either way, he figured this would wind up being good practice, maybe go on dates with other people when this inevitably went wrong. Especially with John looking just as put together, and handsome as he’d ever seen the other man. He’d tried, dressed up and cleaned up from his normal look, something that he rarely ever broke out, preferring something more comfortable than the jacket and slacks he’d settled on.

What he hadn’t totally expected was the slip and the tell so quickly. He didn’t drink, he was sober, and that wasn’t a fact he was ashamed of. It just didn’t exactly scream first date conversation. But, John didn’t seem bothered by the idea of Quinn not drinking, maybe he thought it was simply that whole ‘clean living’ that vegans or whatever did, not the same clean living he did. “Oh, um,” Quinn’s eyes went wide, paling a little under this sort of attention. “No, I don’t,” he admitted. “I’ve been sober for like seven years now. It’s not a big deal, just a part of my life.” He smiled over to John, waving a dismissive hand to his own words, as if trying to further convince him it was just that. Not a big deal. “Seriously, though, if you want some wine or something, I don’t mind. I’d hate to make you feel like you can’t.” He picked up the menu, his eyes giving it a once over, before glancing back up at John. He was honestly desperate to change the conversation. “Um, so have you been here before? I came once a long time ago, and they have this chicken and artichoke dish that I still think about all the time. I’ve tried to figure out the recipe at home and can’t quite crack it.”

__

It wasn’t often that John felt stupid but the more he thought about it, the more sense Quinn’s visits at the gallery started to make. Granted, he’d been surprised whenever he showed up, bringing him coffee and taking the time out of his day to have a chat with him – which John had written off as a friendly gesture. It was like he needed to be hit over the head with it before he realized, not used to the attention and the idea of someone being even remotely interested in him that way. The concept seemed almost foreign and frankly, quite ridiculous to him. John had never considered himself all that special or desirable for that matter so as much as he wanted to find validation in Quinn taking the first step, he was also sure that if he allowed him to get to know him better, he’d soon realize he could have literally anyone else. He wasn’t good at this after all – at being flirty and charming, let alone impressing someone. John had been so sure he’d stay single forever, the same way he had for the past decade – which sounded worse when he thought about it but it was true after all.

Tonight though, John tried not to focus on his flaws and insecurities but on Quinn and the way he looked like he’d made an effort for him – which had made him smile to himself subtly. It had been unexpected but this didn’t have to be a big deal, right? It was just dinner, he reminded himself. Taking in the other man’s reaction, John’s own eyes widened – had he overstepped? God, he was so out of his comfort zone but he tilted his head casually, listening as his features shifted faintly. There was no hint of judgement though, merely surprise. “Oh! Wow – that’s…,” he trailed off, a smile tugging on his lips, “that’s great, Quinn. Seven years is a long time!” John told him genuinely, not having expected the answer. Quinn was in good shape, so he’d expected it to be a dietary restriction but he figured that it was a good sign that Quinn was honest about it right away, without trying to lie about it. He’d rather know about it than push him to have a drink after all. His lips remained curved into a gentle smile and he simply shook his head. “I don’t mind either! I like wine but I also like water,” John teased, appreciating the offer. “So – we can both just stay sober tonight,” he added with a raised brow before their conversation shifted. John couldn’t deny that he had questions but he’d also picked up on the way Quinn was trying not to dwell, so he wouldn’t. An intrigued expression settled on John’s features as he gave a nod. “Only a few times but it’s been a while for me, too.” He left out the detail that a restaurant like this felt a little intimidating when you went there on your own or merely a friend. “That sounds incredible though,” John mused, a smile washing over him. “I am a terrible cook so I can’t say I could or would ever make it myself but kudos to you for even trying! I’m sure the outcome wasn’t all that terrible though, right?”

__

At John’s reaction, Quinn relaxed a little bit. Something like that wasn’t exactly easy news to hear, or break to someone on a first date. Wasn’t it some sort of red flag or something? But, John was supportive, nice, and it made the tension in his shoulders disappear. They would at least be able to enjoy the rest of their dinner, some of the heavy shit out of the way. “Thanks,” he said, smiling at John, laughing off his own nerves. John was willing to stay sober, to not drink around him and that brought a relief he hadn’t been expecting. “It’s fine, but thank you. For respecting that, even though you don’t have to.” He cleared his throat, before he shifted the discussion. He figured there were plenty of questions, there always were, but he wasn’t ready for that. He’d been honest, given enough tonight. He wanted to focus on the other, on John and getting to know him, not dwell on his own fucking problems.

The question felt empty, low effort and maybe it was, something to just shift the conversation. But, Quinn nodded at their shared lack of frequency to the place. His face twisted in disbelief at the comment, laughing lightly. “You can’t?” The question didn’t come out mockingly, only a curious surprise behind the words. “You seem like someone who can cook, you got that whole important art world vibe. Figured you’re out there making fancy dishes all the time.” Quinn shook his head though. “The first couple batches when I was teaching myself to cook were not great, but they’ve gotten better.” He had finally put his menu back down, his eyes settling on the other man. “Really though, either I’m misremembering the dish or they’ve got some kind of secret ingredient in there I just can’t figure out.”

__

For John, it hadn’t even been a question of whether or not he’d respect this newly discovered piece of information. The idea didn’t put him off, let alone scare him – considering that Quinn had managed to stay sober for that long was a testament to how much he wanted to keep himself out of trouble and John felt like he’d be an asshole if he considered that a deal breaker. If this date was to lead to another or anything other than the way they had been all this time. He wasn’t sure if he had any expectations – not so much because of Quinn but because of himself. The man had no idea how to do this. How to seem alluring and attractive to anyone, really but either way and his nerves aside, this felt like it could just be a nice evening over dinner and a little less small talk. “Of course,” John was quick to assure, clearing his throat almost at the same time as Quinn – which made him laugh softly, his head shaking lightly. They were both nervous, John could tell but the only reason they were was because this felt a little more official. A little more like a hit or miss. “Thank you for telling me,” John replied. “Even though you didn’t have to,” he teased, a half-grin spreading across his lips.

They were warming up to the idea of this being a date, John was sure of it because the conversation felt a lot like testing the waters and yet, he was eager to get to know Quinn more. Granted, they’d been talking for a while, had shared a few bits here and there but never like this. They rarely dug deeper. Another laugh escaped him at how genuinely surprised Quinn seemed and he shook his head repeatedly as he went on. “Oh – god, no. I’m glad I can get away with pretending like I know what I’m doing but I’m really more of a takeout guy. I like a greasy pizza or Chinese,” he admitted, pulling a face. “The only thing I can make are pancakes and eggs. Maybe pasta…if I have some help with the sauce,” he half-joked. “So, no – my culinary experience has nothing on my expertise when it comes to art.” There was a spark of amusement settling in his eyes – a hint of surprise that this was the read Quinn had on him. “Well…,” John said, looking around for a moment before finding the other man’s eyes. “There’s only one way to find out tonight! A new chance if you will and maybe I can even be of help.”

__

There were so many things in Quinn’s past he figured would be a red flag, Hell, maybe some of those things should be. Even the admission of a drinking problem, being sober now was a big one. John was kind, though. He knew there was plenty more to tell, plenty that might turn the other man away. That could wait. If it went poorly tonight, why explain another addiction when he didn’t have to? This one came naturally. The other, that could live in peace and in his past for now. Something he could worry about if this did go anywhere. He met John’s smile, and nodded. “Felt like you deserved to know,” he said, shifting in his seat, trying to hide his discomfort. He leaned forward, his elbows coming to rest on the table gently, looking the other man over once more. An innocent gaze, taking in just how the other looked. Quinn wasn’t used to this kind of effort, it’d been a long time since he’d had to. But, John seemed to be in that state easily. Handsome, soft and comfortable. It made Quinn feel at ease with him normally, a way he didn’t usually feel with the Goldfinch folks.

But, tonight was a different feeling than at the gallery when Quinn stopped in. That was obvious going into this. He wondered if he should have done something a little more casual, a little more easy going for them to start, but this seemed like it would have been more John’s style. A nicer meal, a nicer place. John seemed like he was far from Quinn’s standard Docks comfort. Though, as he spoke, it was almost a relief, easy and something far more sustainable for Quinn if this went anywhere. “Greasy pizza and Chinese takeout are a staple,” he laughed, trying to reassure John that that was completely acceptable. “I’m terrible with pancakes, I really can never get them right. Oh, I’ve got the sauce down, I can follow a recipe pretty well, I got you.” He grinned for a moment, before suddenly feeling a little bold at assuming there would be even a teasing chance there would be a chance of that. But, when John leaned in to offer his help, as if they were sharing a secret, Quinn’s smile only settled further, relaxed and comfortable. “I may need your help, you’re going to have fresh taste on this. I’m sure we can figure it out and give this place a run for their money when we do.”

It was then that the waiter brought their waters, setting them down in front of each of them, as well as setting a small basket of bread between them. Quinn settled back into his chair and gave him a Thanks.

“Are you ready to order?” the waiter asked, and Quinn looked to John, for his approval. “If you are.”

__

While a part of John wanted to know more already, the curiosity being a natural reaction rather than a need to test Quinn, he could tell that this was venturing into something too heavy for a first date. Either way, he appreciated the honesty and was sure that he’d be able to navigate it better now – knowing better than to offer Quinn anything alcoholic or ask him to get drinks if there’d be more dates to come – though he felt like maybe that thought was just him being a little too eager so he filed it back for another time. His features softened at the casual words and yet, they felt genuine. “I appreciate it,” John told him gently, adjusting to Quinn’s wish to move on from it even without him having to voice it. He could feel the other man’s eyes on him and for a moment, John tried not to get self-conscious about it. It had been a while since anyone had taken an interest in him that way but instead of judging him, Quinn seemed to just take him in - observing. His eyes averted for a moment, yet a soft smile remained as he reached up to fix his glasses, clearing his throat before daring to meet Quinn’s eyes once more.

It was interesting to see how their energy shifted – how suddenly all those gestures got a different meaning, how the stolen glances and nervous laughs suddenly made sense. John felt a little silly now, having filed them away as nothing but Quinn being friendly towards him. The place Quinn had chosen for them felt much more official. Like anyone would expect a date but truth be told – John had never cared much about prestige. He liked nice things. Extraordinary things. Expensive things. But he never expected them for himself. He’d been a little surprised at Quinn’s choice but he enjoyed the atmosphere – the dim light and soft background noises. He was also well aware of how people saw him, dressed in more formal attire, some of his clothes sporting the tag of well-known designers, all while standing in front of paintings that sold for horrendous amounts of money but that only made it more fun for John. The man loved the surprised looks he got when he shared his preference for fast food. His love for trash tv and being outdoors. A relieved laugh escaped John in return and he gave a hum in appreciation. “Thank god because they definitely are in my household and always have been,” he admitted with a grin before he tilted his head, prominent brows raising in surprise at the boldness of Quinn’s statement but he liked the confidence – or maybe the reassurance that he hadn’t messed up just yet. “See? I’d say that makes for a good balance.” His lips twitched into a half-smile. “You got the sauce down, I got the pancakes – it’d be a well-divided team effort because I for one am a hopeless case,” he joked, mirroring Quinn’s grin before looking down to where his hands were folded in front of him, resting against the table where he toyed with one of the rings decorating his fingers. It caught him off-guard just how easy it was to allow himself to flirt a little, to tease the other man with each of them playing along. Another laugh escaped and he was quick to nod. “Gladly! I’ll do my very best. Not that I got a very acquired palate but I can give it a try.”

Once their waters arrived, John’s attention shifted momentarily to thank the waiter as well but his eyes were quick to focus back on his date. “I think I am – go right ahead, though I am very curious about that artichoke chicken dish now.”

__

Maybe this had been a long time coming, too long, really. It’d been months since they’d met, started getting to know each other and developing a friendship. It’d been months since Quinn had started flirting, even, but it only seemed like it was a matter of days since he even realized John was receptive, before he was bold enough to ask the other man out. John seemed too good for someone like Quinn, and he felt lucky that the other man gave him the time of day at all. The restaurant had made sense when he’d planned it, something nice, an attempt to step into John’s world a little more, but for as uncomfortable as he’d been, and knowing that John was a little more laidback than he’d expected he suddenly wished they were chatting over a pizza. It seemed like it was easier to talk that way, casual, low pressure. The only reassurance he gave himself was that even if John was more relaxed than this offered, there was no confusion on Quinn’s interest. John deserved a nice dinner, something special, even if this didn’t go anywhere. John’s words following his own, though, an idea that there would be another time even so early on in the evening only pulled his face into a smirk, relieved and interested in that prospect however it came about. “Balance like that is always good to have.”

His eyes wandered down to John’s hands, taking in the rings, and how John fidgeted with them. It was almost comforting to know that John seemed just as nervous as Quinn felt. It didn’t seem to make sense why anyone would be quite so nervous with him, but it made it easier to just be there with no regrets to name. When John ordered, Quinn nodded, giving John another smile. “I’ll have the same.” The waiter confirmed softly, as he took their menus, and walked back to the kitchen.

Quinn’s attention never fully left John, his eyes drifting down to his own hands, to the other tables only momentarily, but John held onto it. “So,” he said, reaching for a piece of bread from the basket. “I don’t know that I’ve ever asked. But, where are you from?” It seemed like a silly question, one Quinn never asked people if he knew they weren’t townies like him. “I mean, you’re not originally from Crescent Harbor, right? A small town like this everyone knows a little about everyone. And I’ll be honest, I don’t know that I know anything other than the bits you’ve already told me.”

__

John knew that he was obvious when it came down to his nerves but one thing he was sure Quinn had already learned was that he wasn’t good at concealing how he felt. He knew he was expressive, his features never quite allowing him to be subtle and even his quirks gave him away. The way he cleared his throat, the way he played with his rings and reached up a little too often to fix his glasses – they were all indicators for how nervous he truly was. He knew he had no reason to, did he? Quinn wasn’t a stranger at this point and he did feel comfortable but maybe the more official part of it all, the less casual way of having a coffee together or chatting within the safety that was the gallery or running into each other at random caused all this to shift a little. Not that John minded – in fact, he was relieved. He’d wondered before, of course he had but he hadn’t expected Quinn to be interested. It was like they lived in different worlds entirely but never in a bad way, they had enough common interests but John knew that depending on what neighborhood you lived in, the town already had a certain picture of you and John barely occupied the docks the same way he assumed Quinn didn’t necessarily wander around Goldfinch much.

Once they’d ordered, John smiled lightly. “Time to find out what the missing ingredient is, hm?” He joked, yet he was entirely serious before his brows raised almost immediately, his focus entirely on Quinn again as he reached for his glass of water, taking a first sip as he listened, chuckling at the rather random yet basic question. “Oh god – now that I think about it, I probably only told you that I moved from Seattle but no, I’m not even from the area. I’m Canadian. I was born and raised in Toronto,” he shared, shaking his head. “If I’ve learned one thing so far having lived here for the past few years, it’s that you learn to spot newbies quickly,” John added with a chuckle. “You’re bound to keep running into each other if you’re actually located here, I think. At least that’s what keeps happening to me and well – kept happening to us, no?” His head tilted slightly, lips curving in slight amusement. “I’d be happy to change that though. What else would you like to know? I’m an open book,” he said, opening his palms as if to make a point, leaning back in his seat a little.

__

Quinn sometimes felt out of his depth with John, maybe he’d made the man too complex in his mind, but with the confirmation that John had not only lived in Seattle, but was from somewhere else entirely seemed almost intimidating. “Wow,” the word fell from his mouth on instinct. “And you settled on here?” he asked, more teasing than anything. “I remember going into Seattle when I was younger and just thinking that was where I wanted to go.” He smiled. “Wild to think a guy used to big cities would want to be here of all places.” Quinn took a sip of his own water, pondering over John’s own teasing question, kept happening to us, no? Quinn desperately tried to hide the laugh that bubbled in his chest, and the way he suddenly felt restless in his seat. “Oh, yeah. Running into each other so much, you’d think one of us was into the other. Unavoidable hazard of a small town, what can I say?” he teased back.

Quinn bit into the bread, and thought over his questions as he chewed, easing back into his chair a bit. “What did draw you here? I mean, I know I don’t know a whole lot about art, but I can’t imagine the scene here is exactly something to jump at compared to the city.” He didn’t tack on that he was glad it had brought the other man here, that they’d met and he could have some kind of casual flirt, a date, and wherever it ended up leading to, with someone who didn’t know him before, someone who had a cleaner image of him than anyone else in town. “Though, I’m sure the gallery is looking better now that someone who’s seen more of the art scene other places is running it.”

__

While John barely aligned with the image of him that seemed to live in Quinn’s mind, he was happy to share more about himself and shape it to something that felt a little more authentic instead. He knew what kind of impression he left, what he came across as but John truly wasn’t as stuck up and pretentious as his occupation and overall demeanor made it seem. Quinn’s reaction made him laugh – he could tell it was genuine but he was quick to nod. “I did! And have done so for the past…,” he pondered, pulling his lower lip between his teeth as he squinted, “six years? So it’s safe to say it was a rather final choice,” the man added, humming in understanding. He could see the appeal and maybe he looked at it from a different perspective considering that big cities were all he’d known before. “I like it,” John admitted with an almost shy smile. “Don’t get me wrong, I loved traveling before I settled here but…so far I like living smaller if you will,” he explained. “The anonymity can have its perks but it never quite felt like home.” At his teasing, John let out another small laugh, his eyes sparkling with amusement as he looked back at Quinn, finally allowing himself to let his eyes linger for a moment as well. “Well, luckily one of us had the guts to finally step it up,” he joked in return, tilting his head. “In case you haven’t been able to figure that out yet, I’m not all that good with picking up on these things. I blame everyone around here being too friendly towards me.”

The amused smile remained on John’s lips and he reached for a piece of bread himself, his appetite suddenly making itself known but he’d been too lost in their conversation to realize until now. “That was exactly what drew me to Crescent,” he admitted. “Not that I ever planned on staying for as long as I had – I knew I wanted to live in a small town at some point and I came here for a trip on a weekend and fell in love with it. I learned that they had a position opening up for curation at the gallery and well…I gave myself a year but sometimes life just takes a turn that way,” he explained with a subtle shrug. “I worked in bigger galleries than this – not that that’s hard to do,” he chuckled, shaking his head before he continued, “but it had a certain charm to it, one I haven’t seen before. The art world can be…,” he trailed off, sighing as he tried to find a word, a brow raising before he leaned in slightly. “It can be a little pretentious sometimes. A little fake even and this felt more sincere to me. A gallery displaying art made by and for locals,” he concluded before his eyes averted bashfully at the compliment, his head tilting slightly. “Thank you. I’d hope so…otherwise I’d be very bad at my job,” he teased, taking another sip of water before clearing his throat. “What about you though? I know you’ve lived here for all your life, right? What made you stay?” He asked, popping a piece of bread into his mouth as dark eyes focused back on Quinn’s features.

__

His own gaze was filled with interest and amusement. Quinn knew that his time here was colored differently than someone like John. He didn’t hate Crescent Harbor, it had everything he needed, but there was plenty that he wanted to distance himself from, and he didn’t see what exactly drew anyone into the town. But, hearing John’s reasoning, he supposed he could understand it. Living smaller. Wasn’t that what Quinn had been doing in recent years? Simply trying not to be a burden anymore. “Smaller living, I get that.” He agreed with a nod. He listened as John spoke, genuinely interested and curious about not only what ended up bringing him here, but the small bits of his past that flitted in. He liked what John had to say, liked his reasons even if there were pieces of him that didn’t understand entirely. It made sense, to some degree, a sincerity to the town that certainly lived there, but that sincerity that Quinn himself knew hadn’t ever been a friend to him. He didn’t hold it against John, though, it was a new place to him, but the gentle insult to the pretentious and fakeness of bigger cities in John’s world at least help him understand a little more. “No, of course. It always looks great in there. You clearly know what you’re doing.”

The question to Quinn, though, was more complex, too heavy to answer naturally. He took another piece of bread, tearing a piece off and popping it into his mouth as he tried to find a simple way to say it. “I have,” he answered, swallowing the bite. “It just never worked out,” he said vaguely. “We stuck around when my son was born to get some help because me and my ex were just kids ourselves. But, she never left, and I can’t imagine leaving while he’s still growing up.” He gave John a soft smile. Talking about these things with John, on a date especially, felt strange. Mentioning Mason, Lara, all of it. He left the heavier shit, left out the mention of being broke, struggling with everything he had. John had pieces of his past that he was sure could grant a little insight. That seemed like enough. “Plus, at this point, I’m in my 30s and never really went anywhere. It’s hard to see myself not here. I think it’s just where I’m supposed to be. If that makes sense.”

__

It felt good – diving into the details a little more now that the two of them had the chance to. John had known Quinn for a few months now but right now it felt like they’d barely known each other at all. They’d kept their conversations light and casual, flirty, now that John reflected back but he’d never minded it. If anything, that was the point of exploring this, right? To get a feel for one another. For whether or not this one date would lead to another or even several more – not that John would get ahead of himself like that just yet. He smiled, nodding. It was a strange concept to think that while those who’d been born and raised here wanted to leave, yet he’d actively chosen to stay later on in his life. Granted, Quinn couldn’t know all the things that had led up to this moment and John wasn’t sure if it was the kind of thing to share over dinner. Yet, he was sharing more than he had without feeling like Quinn was judging him at all, if anything he was listening to him – showing genuine interest – and that alone was enough to reassure the man. “Thank you,” John repeated sincerely, a smile splaying across the curve of his lips.

As he mirrored the question back to him, John could sense the slight hesitation, nodding softly as the other man spoke. His son. How could he have forgotten about that? It was still a foreign concept to him – being a father. Having that kind of responsibility and it was then when he realized he’d never asked further. All Quinn had shared was that he had a son, hinting at the fact that his mother and him were no longer together so he nodded. “That makes perfect sense. I imagine it to be much harder to move when you want to be close to your child – that’s a good thing though, not everyone sticks around,” he said and maybe that was his own biography speaking but he let out a gentle breath instead, looking back at Quinn. “How old is your son now?” He asked curiously, his tone non-judgmental as he took another bite of his bread and another sip of his water. He didn’t mind the topic, let alone the fact that the other man had a kid. It wasn’t a dealbreaker to him – if this was to get any more serious that was. Chuckling, John shook his head. “I mean, I moved to Washington when I was just about thirty so…,” he joked, a teasing grin on his lips. “It’s never too late for new beginnings in my book but I do think that makes sense. I probably would’ve moved back to Toronto myself had I not gotten so attached.” It was then when their food arrived, interrupting their conversation briefly but John’s attention stayed focused on Quinn, merely straying to thank the waiter and shift in his seat. “But – here we are,” John added finally, a content smile gracing his lips.

__

Quinn felt a small pang at John’s words. The mention that not everyone stuck around was not meant to be pointed, maybe something personal but not at Quinn. It wasn’t the time to bring up all the bad, that was something they’d deal with down the road if that was where this went. “I do my best. I want to make sure he’s got a good support system.” He took a sip of his water, and slightly paled at the question as he thought about it. “He’s fifteen, just turned this past September. Starting high school and everything. Which makes me feel old as Hell,” he said with a laugh. Mason was a piece he never felt a hint of shame on, his only regrets surrounding it were in regards to himself. He was proud of Mason, even if he hadn’t played as positive of a role until the past few years. “He’s a good kid. Way better than I was at his age.” He was relieved once more, though, that John didn’t seem judgmental. He knew that he’d mentioned Mason in passing, but it was hardly an unusual thing if Mason had been younger, but having a kid when you weren’t even out of high school wasn’t exactly a shining badge to wear.

Their food arriving was a welcome interruption. He didn’t exactly think about leaving often anymore, more accepting the permanent stay in Crescent Harbor. It was fine, he’d accepted it plenty of years ago. But, John was kind, as always, giving him a level of support on something that barely ever crossed his mind anymore. He thanked the waiter, before his gaze moved back to John, meeting his smile. “Here we are,” he echoed. “And now you’re roped into helping me steal their recipe. I hope you’re ready for this important job,” he said, his tone teasing and soft. It was easy, their meal and their conversations stayed comfortable, that initial nervousness had practically disappeared by the time their food was in front of them. Whatever this was leading to, Quinn wanted that. He liked John. It didn’t have to be serious, but looking over at John, he wanted something. John had humored him along the way, and was sweet and understanding every step of it.

By the time they were finished, Quinn still wasn’t exactly sure what this all would end up amounting to. The waiter swung by with the bill, Quinn was quick to slip his card in and hand it back, his face still grinning across the table at the other man, making polite chit chat as he waited for the waiter to return, this time, signing the receipt and leaving his tip. He peered over at John, once more, not exactly wanting to end the night yet. Only giving himself a reassurance that they would likely do this again. “Are you ready?” he asked. “I don’t want to take up your whole night,” he said, smiling.

__

“If it makes you feel old, then what does that make me?” John teased, his words never anything but teasing as he grinned and his features softened. “I’m glad to hear that. And I’m sure it wasn’t easy raising a child being so young but I think it says a lot about you that you stayed – you must be so proud,” he said, eager to talk about this as casually as they could. He didn’t want this to be weird or too personal but his words were genuine. John was sure that now wasn’t the time to share more about his own experience but he was convinced Quinn was a good man. He had to be if he never left the town despite wanting to in order to be closer to his kid.

A laugh escaped and John covered his mouth subtly, as if they were sharing a secret once again. “Does this count as a crime if it’s for personal use only? Because this smells delicious and if you’re as good in the kitchen as you claim to be, I’ll be even happier to help if it means I get to eat this again,” he teased, only half-joking now that he was feeling a little bolder about his flirting. This felt good and easy enough – maybe John wasn’t as rusty as he’d thought he’d be or maybe the person he was on a date with being Quinn made it that much easier. It felt familiar enough and their gentle teasing and joking around caused every ounce of tension to fade.

As the evening carried on though, John was starting to feel restless all over again. He didn’t want it to end, let alone did he want this the last time they did this. He wasn’t sure what it was about Quinn but there was something and a part of him felt ready to allow himself to explore it. After having been single for years, John had come to peace with this just not being in the books for him but with Quinn being ever so charming and funny and kind towards him, that thought seemed to melt away. A part of him wanted to complain about him paying for him but he accepted it in the end, watching Quinn do so as if it was the most natural thing in the world but John didn’t take it for granted. Looking him over, John couldn’t help but laugh softly at the way they both couldn’t quite seem to get themselves to get up and get moving – as If neither of them wanted to let that night end just yet. “I am, thank you,” he told him before snorting and giving a fond roll of his eyes. “You say that like I’m ready to bail when really, this has been the most fun I’ve had in a long time. I’m having a great time, Quinn. You’re not taking up my night at all.” With that, John pushed his chair back though, letting out a breath as he got up hesitatingly.

__

“I’m having a great time too,” he said, a relaxed smile resting comfortably on Quinn’s face. Quinn followed John’s movement, pushing his chair out, and getting up. He didn’t want to end dinner, didn’t want to end their night. It felt too bold to ask him back to his place, didn’t want to push or assume. It was certainly something he wanted to do again, and extending the night to either of their places could come along with that. He’d never really dated, Lara was the only one he’d had anything serious with, or even a formal date with, and that had been years ago. But, it felt easy with John, a comfort from their budding friendship before all of this. Still, he wasn’t sure what the next moves were. He just tried to read the other man, tried to figure out just what was appropriate to ask. He sidled up next to John as they made their way out. His hand slipped into John’s, a gentle touch as they walked together.

As soon as they were out, back to John’s car, Quinn finally dropped the other man’s hand. Even for the short time, the loss of John’s hand felt weighty. He made his way to the other side of the car, and slid into the passenger seat. “I had a really great time tonight,” he said, his eyes looking over to John. “I know you said I’m not taking up your time, but I still stand by it. I’d still be up for something else, but I don’t want you to get sick of me just in one night,” he joked. “I’m hoping we can do this again, you know?”

__

The confirmation caused a grin to break out on John’s features. It should’ve been ridiculous because he could tell they were getting along and enjoying each other’s company and yet, he had the audacity to question it up until Quinn’s reassurance. Yet, it was then when John started to feel a little lost. Was this the end of their date already? He didn’t want it to be if he was honest to himself but he also wasn’t sure what the next step could be. He felt drawn to Quinn, his eyes constantly on him and as unfamiliar of a feeling as that was by now, after years of not really taking interest in anyone that way, John felt almost a little overwhelmed. John had never been the type to date around or sleep around for that matter. He’d made his fair share of experiences but if those had made him realize one thing, it was that sometimes you should trust your gut and with Quinn, there was nothing that alarmed him. Quite the opposite – he found it hard not to hope for more, yet he tried not to just yet. A gentle smile tugged on his lips when Quinn was bold enough to step into his personal space – not in a way that felt overwhelming but welcome and when his hand sought out his, John was surprised at the sudden touch but let his own fingers interlace with Quinn’s for a moment. They could unpack that later – he was sure of it. Right now, John merely let himself enjoy the connection, the way it made his heart beat a little faster and made his skin warm up.

John almost immediately missed the touch he’d not known for what must’ve been years and a part of him wanted to reach out again, keep them connected but he didn’t want to make this weird or overwhelming for either of them so he merely smiled back at Quinn and slipped into his car wordlessly. “I did, too,” he told Quinn genuinely, his eyes finding Quinn’s in the dim light of the parking lot illuminating the inside of his car. A genuine laugh escaped him and he shook his head. “I don’t think that’s possible…,” he said softly before falling silent for a moment. “Thank you,” John added. “For taking me out tonight and treating me to a nice dinner,” he told him. “I haven’t been on a date in quite some time and to say I was nervous would be an understatement but – you made it very easy to enjoy myself. Truth be told, I don’t really want it to end just yet so I also stand by the fact that you’re not taking up my time at all. I have no other plans tonight for a change so…,” he joked, trailing off with a grin. “I’m usually very busy watching TV at this hour but I’m open for suggestions.” With that, John started the engine but his eyes wandered back to Quinn for another moment. “I’d love to do this again, too, though. Whenever you’d like.”

__

Everything John said took away the tension that had come to reside in Quinn’s shoulders. The uncertainty if he’d misread the situation or had been alone in enjoying himself. It had just been dinner, it shouldn't have pulled him like this, made him want more so quickly. Yet, he did. He could suggest going and grabbing a coffee, going for a walk, something but his mind was suddenly blank, staring at the other man, engrossed in him. His face met John’s smile, and he shook his head. “It’s been a long time for me,” he admitted. “You definitely made it easy to shake the dust off.” He laughed lightly along with the man. TV was usually where he found himself as well, but compared to John’s company it lost its appeal.

The engine came to life, the warm glow of the street lights outside trading for the cool of the lights inside the car. His eyes met John’s once more, the confirmation of doing this again echoed in his ear for a long moment. A smile creeping over his features, before his eyes trailed down absently, landing on the other man’s lips. It was without any other hesitation that he was leaning in, pressing his lips to John’s. His hand coming to rest against the other man’s jaw to draw him in. Nothing urgent or rough. And over far too quickly. He pulled away, his eyes flirting open to meet John’s once more, taking in the warmth of his dark brown eyes. He wanted more, wanting to chase that as much as he could, but he held himself in place, smiling to John. His hand never left its home on the other man’s skin, simply slipping down against the warmth of his neck to rest his fingers gently. “I hope that was okay,” he said, a laugh framing his words.

__

The reassurance was all they’d needed for the last bit of uncertainty to fade away and John, for the first time in years, felt ready to let this happen. Quinn wasn’t a stranger after all. He’d proven to him that he was genuine – otherwise he wouldn’t have spent months talking to him, right? Again, John didn’t want to keep his hopes up but Quinn made it easy to forget the times in the past that had burned him and when he looked back at him, his eyes meeting a pair of warm blues, John couldn’t help but feel like he should lean in. Like there was some tension between them that was far off from the nervousness they’d radiated earlier that night. It had been just dinner but John already wanted to see Quinn again, even with him still right there in front of him. He chuckled softly, shaking his head. “That makes two of us then,” he said, the words once again calming him – they were in this together now.

The silence that settled for a moment didn’t feel awkward in the slightest but John didn’t miss the way Quinn’s eyes dropped and for a moment he wondered if he was making this up – if it was wishful thinking that he’d fixed on his lips for a little too long but suddenly, the other man was leaning in, his face right there and breath warm on his skin and John allowed himself to melt into it, meeting him for a chaste, gentle kiss – merely a press of lips and a tender brush of Quinn’s calloused fingertips against his jaw. John let out a shaky breath in surprise, his own eyes meeting Quinn’s as he let out a small chuckle. The touch against the side of his neck made his skin prickle and hairs rise as he held his glance and it was his turn to let his eyes linger on Quinn’s lips as he spoke, a laugh of his own escaping. “That was – yeah, god – no, that was completely okay,” he breathed and couldn’t help the broad grin that spread. “It was fine, actually,” John teased, meeting Quinn’s glance again as he bit his lip, pondering if it was okay to want more so soon already but he let himself take the leap and closed the distance once more, keeping their kiss light once again before he pulled away with a soft hum. “Definitely okay,” he laughed. “So – where to?”

__

When John met him for another kiss, Quinn didn’t want that one to end. It was light, and soft, something chaste and sweet just as it seemed like it should be so soon. Still, pulling away felt difficult. The touch and the affection felt foreign to him after going so long without, but it was welcome, and with John, it just left him wanting more. He could have pulled John in deeper, held him to the kiss for longer, and he wanted to, but it was too soon for that, wasn’t it? He let his hand drop from John’s neck, falling back to his side. He pulled away, the hum that escaped John left him reeling a little, his mind suddenly wandering over the noise. It only left him wanting more, wanting to hear more of that. He bit his lip, gentle and let it slip back out from his teeth with ease. He cleared his throat, an attempt at clearing his mind from where it had trailed off to.

At John’s question, Quinn hardly hesitated before responding. “We can go back to my place,” the words slipped out, sounding as casual as Quinn could muster. “I mean, for like coffee and maybe watch some TV,” he said, a gentle laugh floating the words. “If that’s what we’d be doing anyway, you know?” He didn’t want to overstep a boundary, didn’t want to overwhelm them both. He wasn’t exactly a casual hookup kind of guy, and he didn’t get that impression from John either. They were both grown men, they both knew where this could lead if John agreed, what Quinn tried not to imply. Nothing had to happen, it could stay innocent and they could just do exactly what Quinn had suggested if they really wanted to. His eyes didn’t stray from John’s though, even as he settled back into the seat, his head leaning back slightly against the headrest. “Or wherever you want, really. I’m good with anything.”

__

A part of John had wanted to linger, too – there was no denying that. There was no point in lying to himself and pretending like he didn’t want to deepen the kiss either, to keep Quinn close and see where it’d take them but he was thankful for the way Quinn seemed to understand. It was new for both of them – not entirely but John didn’t want to put too much pressure on them either. This didn’t have to be more or let alone physical. John enjoyed their conversations and now, as he’d discovered, he also enjoyed kissing Quinn. His brows raised almost immediately at Quinn’s suggestion but the smile that spread across his lips was amused, not at all put off by the idea. “Coffee and TV sound good – if you don’t mind me occupying more of your night,” John added, always checking in for their consent, trying to keep them on the same page even though Quinn had suggested it.

“I mean, that’d make sense, right? I’d literally just go home and do just that after dropping you off,” he admitted with a grin. John wasn’t naïve. Oblivious, yes but he’d picked up on their chemistry and the tension that was still building between them. Their kisses had left him wanting more and maybe, just maybe, he was hoping for it to turn into more kisses – ones that lasted longer than the pecks they’d shared and maybe they’d allow themselves to let them grow deeper but before John could drift too far, he snapped himself out of it. He let out a deep breath – an attempt to ground himself. Was this a good idea? John had no idea just yet but it felt right, so why not go for it? With that last reassuring thought, John chuckled and started pulling out of the parking lot, looking over at Quinn briefly. “You’ll have to navigate me,” he declared, once again confirming that going home with Quinn was more than good with him.

__

“Not at all,” Quinn confirmed. “I’m more than okay with you occupying my night.” It wasn’t needed, but Quinn appreciated the check in. As John rambled on, Quinn just nodded, doing his best to hide the teasing grin that threatened to take over his face. “Right,” he agreed. “It just makes the most sense. Neither one of us wants to go home and just watch TV alone, might as well just hang out together.” That was all that had to happen, Quinn assured himself. He wanted more, sure. The kisses they’d already shared were just enough to leave him wanting to turn that into more. It didn’t have to turn into an entire night, only going as far as they decided. Still, he wanted those soft, quick kisses to go deeper, longer, let them take over his brain for however long they could. Maybe if this was someone else, someone he had just met he would have been okay ending the night here, being dropped off and waiting to see them again before anything more. But, his interest in John had been lasting for months, and now with a successful dinner, and the seal broken on affection, he didn’t want to let the night end just like that.

John pulled out of the parking lot, and Quinn felt the tension build all over again, of what would come. He gave John directions, telling him where to turn, and when. Their conversation nearly dropped to zero as the two focused on the roads. The short drive in the small town felt too long. “Okay, the next driveway on your right is my place,” he said, pointing it out ahead of time for John to slow and pull in. As soon as they parked, Quinn looked over at John with a frown. “Make sure to lock your car. I know we’ll just be inside. But, I know it’s not really the best neighborhood.” Quinn let himself out of the car, pulling his keys out of his pocket. He waited for John to come around his side of the car, before heading up to the front door, and unlocking it. He switched on the light, and stepped inside, moving to let John in. “It’s not much, but please, make yourself comfortable.” He felt a little self conscious over the place. It wasn’t dirty, or messy, just the cheap thrifted furniture mismatched with the things he’d made himself set up around the place. Nothing seemed to match, not the TV stand he’d built to the cheap plaid couch that sat across from it in the living room. Not John and the rest of the room. “I’ll, um, put on a pot.”

__

John knew he didn’t have to ask Quinn again or make sure he was really okay with it – the kisses and invitation should’ve been more than enough confirmation but he couldn’t help it. A part of him still thought this was surreal, too good to be true because while John wasn’t someone for one night only types of things either, whether that was a date or something more, it felt safer with Quinn – he knew him and his interest felt more genuine. He wanted to continue seeing him after all, right? He grinned back at the other man when he reasoned their decision and nodded. “Exactly.” John didn’t expect anything to come out of this – he didn’t expect more but that didn’t mean he wasn’t hoping for it. Kissing Quinn had felt good already, sharing the gentle press of their lips together but he was itching for more, he could try to deny but the truth was that it had been a long time coming, whether he was just now realizing it or not.

They were silent, safe for the way Quinn navigated him to his home and once John parked the car, he looked over at the other man, giving a gentle nod. He was well aware of the reputation the neighborhood had but that didn’t taint the way he saw Quinn. “Got it,” he told him with a reassuring glance and got out as well, locking the car like the other man had advised him to before following him inside. It was then when the nerves seemed to set back in and the man let out a breath before looking around. John was quick to shake his head at the comment. “It’s your place,” he said. “So thank you for inviting me in,” he added. The place was tidy but it made John smile because it was almost like he’d imagined it to be. A little scattered. A little mismatched – he picked up on the fact that Quinn didn’t care much about the things he did like design or what color went with what if the plaid couch was any indication but John didn’t judge and his focus wasn’t so much on the interior anyways but his eyes followed the other man. “Yeah – okay,” he breathed. “Thank you,” John said again, shrugging off his coat before putting it away and without thinking twice about it, he followed Quinn – not wanting to be too far apart.

__

Quinn turned the corner into the kitchen, digging into cabinets for the coffee grounds. He was aware of John, almost too aware that the other man was staying close. Something he wanted, something that he was thrilled at the prospect of. He didn’t want coffee, not really, not now. He wanted to just sit with John, kiss him and embrace what this visit really was. He grabbed a coffee filter, and put it into the maker, scooping grounds into it. What did you say to someone you brought home when you weren’t trying to make it seem like you were interested only in a casual hookup, a one night thing? This was all new to Quinn, it was new to John too, and based on either of their shared quiet, neither of them was exactly sure. Because that wasn’t at all what he wanted. He filled the machine with water, finally leaving it so it could do the rest. He finally turned to John, a goofy smile taking over his face as he took the other man in. “Hi,” he said, the word feeling dumb as it slipped from his lips. “It’ll, um, it’ll be a few minutes. Old machine, takes a while.” Each word he spoke was punctuated by a step toward John, slow and encroaching into his space.

“So, we could, you know, find something to watch, or-” he cut himself off. His gaze trailed back to John’s lips, something he didn’t even try to hide. He didn’t know why he was pretending, really. He didn’t give John a chance to agree, or lead the two of them over to the couch. He leaned in, capturing John’s lips with his own. This kiss was something else from the last ones before they’d arrived. It wasn’t urgent or desperate, though both things were becoming more true of Quinn as they stood there. It was still soft, but one he didn’t pull away from, longer, only becoming deeper. His hand came back up, this time coming to rest comfortably in the crook of his neck, his fingers slipping into John’s hair, and letting the kiss last as long as he could. When he finally pulled away, he only did so far enough for his half-lidded eyes to meet John’s, staying close enough to feel the warmth of John’s breath land against his skin. “Or we can do that,” he breathed out, his lopsided grin ever present. “Whichever you’d prefer.”

__

John felt a little awkward – unable to help but also unable to occupy himself and how could he when his mind was already drifting. Instead, he watched Quinn, allowed himself a moment to see the other man in a different light. He’d always thought that he was attractive but maybe he’d stopped himself from unpacking just how attractive he thought he was. But now that he knew there was more to their friendship, despite not quite able to put a name on it, he let out a deep, inaudible breath, his mind racing with both the pros and cons of doing this. They were both grown adults – there was nothing stopping them from indulging in the newly found connection and yet, John was nervous. Nervous to find out what it’d do to the friendship they’d built. Nervous to find out what they’d miss out on if they didn’t explore further. He didn’t want this to seem like he’d had any ulterior motives agreeing to going home with Quinn – that hadn’t been the case. He’d felt drawn to him and wasn’t ready to stop spending time with him, that wasn’t a crime, was it? It was new and overwhelming – not something John had ever done or done a lot at least. He’d never been one to enjoy random hookups. Instead, he always sought out some kind of connection – one he definitely had with Quinn. A soft laugh escaped him when Quinn caught on to the way he’d been staying close, his eyes lingering. “Hey,” he breathed, shaking his head. “That’s okay,” he added, the breath knocking out of his lungs now that Quinn was in his space again – a tall, broad yet gentle presence and John wanted to reach out. He wanted to welcome him into that newly claimed space.

His brows raised with intrigue when suddenly Quinn’s eyes trailed down again and a knowing smile tugged on John’s lips. It was obvious that they both wanted this and John had a feeling that Quinn was holding back for the same reasons he was. A surprised gasp escaped when Quinn did in fact retain some of his boldness, kissing him again and this time, it wasn’t as chaste as their first or even their second one had been. Yet, John welcomed it and kissed him back almost immediately. His lips brushing against Quinn’s in a way that felt almost like he was testing it out, seeing how much deeper he could let this grow and for a moment, it was John’s turn to get bolder now. He parted his lips against Quinn’s lightly, sucking against his lower one as his eyes fluttered fully shut and there it was again, the gentle touch of Quinn’s hand against the side of his neck and his fingers sliding into his hair. A part of John screamed at him to stop, to not let this get further and yet, another part, the one that felt like taking a risk screamed to ignore it and to indulge for once after having denied him for so long. When they parted, John felt breathless, his own eyes heavy-lidded and dazed, his breath coming out hot against Quinn’s lips as he chuckled, his own hand coming up to cup Quinn’s jaw tenderly, his thumb brushing against his stubbly cheek before he leaned in for another quick kiss, hoping that’d answer his question. “I’m good with that if you are,” he whispered, searching for Quinn’s glance once again. “I mean…you said coffee will take a while, right?”

__

That was all it took. John’s matched boldness, sucking his bottom lip in, it was a confirmation that this was more than fine, more than accepted. But, when John followed Quinn’s offer with a kiss of his own in the space between, Quinn was ready to get a little more lost in it, happy to forget the pot of coffee he’d started. He didn’t say anything else, just dove back in, capturing John’s lips with his once more. The testing waters had been passed on this, his own lips parting against John’s, his tongue running against John’s lip, asking to be granted access. Finally deepening the kiss as soon as he could. His free hand came to rest on John’s hip, and pulled him gently, until they were pressed flush against each other. A contented hum was the first sound that escaped him other than breaths in what felt like hours, but had only been moments.

The only conscious thought that streamed through Quinn’s mind was a mental navigation of the small house. He started walking them back out from the kitchen, breaking the kiss once to find the couch, sitting down once in reach. There wasn’t a question posed this time, simply tugging the dark haired man back to him, only to wrap up into each other once more. His hands found their place once more, one trailing from his hip to move up his back. He trailed his lips from John’s moving along his jaw, and down to his neck, replacing the hand that had been resting there, as he focused his attention on the warm patch of skin. His efforts turning from kisses to sucking at his neck, never long enough in one place or bearing teeth to leave marks, just new brief boldness before he moved back, capturing John’s lips once more with his, this time full of hunger and urgency.

__

John was surprised at how easily he’d allowed himself to dive into this head first. How he was beyond holding back so quickly. Maybe it was the way Quinn made it seem so easy and so very welcome – maybe it was the residue of the tension that had built up over time. But now, with both of them close and eager to continue whatever this was and whatever it’d end up being, John couldn’t seem to care about the consequences. Not when Quinn seemed to take over in his mind, the softness of his lips and the gentle brushes clouding it and dissolving the nagging doubts, his insecurities and the only thing that mattered was getting more of Quinn’s touches. Of his kisses. Of his attention. A low hum vibrated in his chest when Quinn deepened the kiss even further now that John had given him the okay – the animation enough for him to get more daring and John was happy to go along with it, his own lips parting to meet Quinn’s tongue with his own as their kiss turned into something a lot less innocent. It was like they were running on autopilot now – the kisses and touches new and exciting, yet also weirdly familiar to John. Quinn felt safe that way and it was then when he gave in fully, a soft gasp escaping against Quinn’s lips when he pulled him closer, close enough to let their bodies align with ease. The low hum made John smile into the kiss and it made him feel confident enough in what he was doing to Quinn to let his own arms wrap around his middle, hands splaying against his back to keep him flush against him.

When Quinn started to relocate them, John went along with it right away. Walking with Quinn as they stayed connected and allowing the other man to take the lead. They didn’t talk – they didn’t have to. Their bodies did it for them as they barely left any space between them, only parting so they could get situated. When Quinn settled, John followed by letting him pull him into his lap. Breaking away with a soft gasp, John’s eyes flickered open to look down and into those stormy blues he’d been lingering on all night. It was then when he knew, deep down, that this was the last chance to back out. Mainly because he knew that he was already a goner – had already allowed himself to dive in too deep and there was no way he was going to want to stop. Quinn felt good against him, the warmth he radiated comfortable and safe and their bodies seemed to fit alongside one another almost perfectly, the slight height difference enough to give Quinn easy access to his neck and god – if John hadn’t been in trouble before, he most definitely was now. John hadn’t been touched like this in what felt like forever and the way Quinn kissed him felt both eager, yet tender – like he did care about him beneath the hunger and that alone put John’s mind at ease all over again. One of his own hands had found its way into Quinn’s hair, the other splayed against his shoulders when he let his head tip to the side with a content sigh. How Quinn had figured out just where to kiss and where to touch him so easily? John could worry about that later on but right now, he could feel his skin heat up and his body arch into Quinn’s. The gentle suction against his neck making him cling at Quinn’s shirt before he let their lips meet again in a kiss that allowed John to fall into this newly found pleasure, his body melting into Quinn’s as he finally let himself indulge in whatever this meant for them – it didn’t matter now, not when it felt like he was right where he was supposed to be that night.  

[goodnightallwhites]

Ms Croft by Zenalite

Lara hid in the cover of the bushes. She trembled with anger as she watched the rebels pulling up and getting out to inspect the downed plane. She had finished all her business and already took off with the rest of the crew when the missile hit the plane and blew the back to smithereens. Thankfully, the pilot still managed to land them safely. But most of the crew had been left behind, too wounded to be transported. "Ms Croft!" Except Jeremiah. "What?" snapped Lara. Somehow, out of all the people that could've come out unharmed, it was only the wimpy languages expert that made it. He was stringy and as pale as curdled milk, and dressed in a kaki outfit that was better suited for a parody of adventure movies than a job in Africa. Wort of all, he kept trying to flirt with her the time they were here. At first Lara tried to let him down gently, but he soon began to get on his nerves. Didn't they know that a girl like her had no interest in tiny white dicks? "Ms Croft, they're going to kill them..." To her horror, the rebels had brought out the crew and began to shout at them while pointing the AKs in their dazed faces. Eventually, one of the rebels came out grinning and showed the others the prized artifact. It only took months of research, two weeks in the festering heat, and two days of trekking through crumbling ruins to get it. Now they swooped in and took it in five minutes. Brilliant. But even as the artifact went into the truck, they lined up all the surviving men from the crew and executed them. Lara stared, gaping with horror. For Christ's sake... The very reason she had left the artifact behind was to ensure the survival of the crew. To give them no reason to start trouble. And now... The rebels picked up the screaming and moaning women from the crew and threw them over their shoulders, taking them as spoils along with the artifact. Lara looked around for anything she could use to go out there and rescue them... but there was nothing. Not even a knife. She wept with rage as she saw the pure evil that befell them all, in spite of her efforts. Those bloody animals. "Ms Croft..." Lara whirled around and grabbed Jeremiah by the collar and shook him. "WHAT!" she screamed in his face, a sputter of her spit landing all over his weakling face. "They're d-d-dead..." "I'm aware, you good-for-nothing imbecile." "How are we going to get out?" "Get out?" Lara laughed grimly. "We're going to kill every single last one of those bastards." "But--" "You speak the tongue of a few of the tribes around here, don't you? Then you'll be useful. Maybe they can lend us a hand." But as she made to go, Jeremiah stood motionless. "Are you coming?" "I d-d-don't want to..." Lara sighed and crossed her arms. She locked eyes with him and held his gaze until he lowered his. "What do you want?" "I came all this way to meet you and... I hoped you would like me as much as I like you. I'm a great admirer and... I think we'd make a great team!" he cried with enthusiasm. Here he was, struggling to present his feelings on a plate before her. But Lara found the taste disgusting. It might've been charming, if he weren't such a bloody nitwit, and if he weren't a grown adult that behaved like a child. Not that I would date a white guy ever again. "Well, I don't think so, and I feel I've made my antipathy towards you clear. So, what do you want?" He swallowed audibly, as if struggling to get his Adam's apple down. His eyes bulged behind the glasses as he struggled to speak. "I want a... a kiss." "A kiss, is it?" Lara strolled over to him, swaying her child-bearing hips. For the flight home, she had only put on a pair of jean shorts that left the bottom of her round and shapely bums hanging out. She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. Then she raised her leg and sent her knee right into his stomach. As he fell to the ground in groaning pain, she said, "Enjoy your kiss." They had no food and no water. While Lara could be resourceful in most situations, there wasn't much to be done in the middle of the savannah. They ended up encamping without fire for the night, hoping they wouldn't be mauled by anything while they slept. Lara attempted to sleep, painfully aware of the way Jeremiah watched her every movement. What a bloody nuisance. She turned on her back and looked up at the bright stars, feeling the breeze move across her skin and rippling across the blades of grass. As dreadful as the day had been she really wanted to get fucked right now. Or perhaps it was exactly because it had been so bad. The grass passed over her skin and sent tingles all the way up to her pussy. Lara spread her legs instinctively and let her hand come down to rest over her aching pussy. What I wouldn't give for a big black cock right now. It was, after all, one of the main benefits of being in Africa. Every guy from the hotel clerk to the cab driver had a stunning body with a throbbing cock. A white girl's paradise. Yet as she gazed up at the Milky Way, thinking about all the black cock she'd be getting once she finished retrieving the artifact, Jeremiah's disgusting pale face hovered into view. "Ms Croft?" Lara sighed. "What do you want, cretin?" "I've been thinking about it, and I really think we should turn back. This place where we are is bad. When I worked with the Red Cross to help the other tribes, they always spoke of how the people from this area weren't like the others. They're dangerous - they prey on other tribes and even cannibalize foreigners." She turned to her side, unwilling to look at his pasty face even longer. Out of all the people that could've made it... "Ms Croft..." "Yes!" she yelled. She rose into a sitting position with rage. Though she had the height disadvantage and only made it up to his crotch, Jeremiah squirmed as if a god off of Olympus had castigated him. "What do you want from me, you vile worm? Can't I get some rest? Stop being so worried and let me get some sleep. If anyone can protect us, it definitely won't be you. So begone! Begone from me!" Lara closed her eyes, hoping she would open them to find herself alone. But she didn't even have the chance to finish her experiment, because she immediately heard him go, "Ms Croft." He's making me hate my own name. As she sat face to face with his crotch, she wondered out of curiosity just what he could possibly keep inside there. There were the occasional weirdos that had a massive cock but still behaved as if they were beta losers. Still... hoping to get a white guy with an even decent dick was like looking for a needle in a haystack. Except that my haystock's gone up in flames and I've only got a melted down drop of a needle. "Take your pants off," she ordered. "W-W-What?" His soft, breaking voice could barely make itself heard. "I said take them off, you useless boy. Let me see what you're carrying." "But--" "Oh, for Heaven's sake!" Lara grabbed onto his safari shorts and sought to unbutton them. Jeremiah struggled... rather ineffectively. He ended up going down. Lara jumped on top of him and paralyzed him with a knee to the stomach, then finished lowering his shorts and trunks. At first, Lara felt horrible. All she could see were the pale thighs and the yellowy pubes, and she genuinely thought Jeremiah might've been a girl all along, perhaps a trans going by a male identity?... But as her eyes stayed down, she could finally see the tiny worm of a cock dangling there, too small to even come out of the pubes properly. Disgusting, concluded Lara, tearing her gaze away. This is what you get for putting hopes up in white guys. "Ms Croft!" "What?" snapped Lara. "Please... Help me..." "God, no." "Ms Croft. I have a feeling I won't make it out alive out of all this. And I... You're the only thing I've ever loved. I trained in this and got this job only in the hopes of getting to meet you..." In the end, he wore her down. Not because she felt bad for him or pitied him in any way, but because she needed him to shut the hell up so she could get some sleep. Lara sat beside him and brought her hand down to his pinky dick. She cupped it along with the barely existing balls and gave it a squeeze, then took the clitty-sized head and rubbed it between her fingertips. Ugh, could this be even more appaling? Jeremiah moaned and, within seconds, he had come and gone so soft for his pinky dick to disappear completely. Lara couldn't imagine how anyone could be so much of a loser. Though, in truth, what could he do? What could that little thing ever hope to accomplish? Lara felt thankful that more and more of them were going north into Europe, ready to satisfy the needs of white girls like her. Lara pulled away and got down to sleep again, this time passing out before he could say anything and ruin her slumber. In the morning, she found Jeremiah where she had left him, looking almost dead. Had a three-second handjob really done him in? How pathetic. Since he was asleep, Lara took the opportunity to wash herself. She went over to the nearby creek and divested herself of her sweaty clothes, then stepped inside, letting the warm waters rush past her toned body. She ran her soft palms over every inch of her tanned skinned, letting them linger as she caressed the tender lips of her pussy and massaged her hefty and perky chest. Ever since she had fantasized about black cock the night before, her nipples remained permanently erect and made her quiver from the simplest touch. Soon, she told herself. Soon… She dipped into the water a few times, and when she came out she saw Jeremiah standing in the grass by the riverbank. “Go away!” But the pale, lanky loser made no move, nor did he reply. He only stared at her. Ahhh, what a nightmare he is! Lara decided that she would stab him as soon as she came out. Just grab that little dick and rip it off. But as she wallowed out of the creek, she could see that Jeremiah trembled. Lara stood before him, her tight body glistening in the morning sun, the beads of water rolling across the curves of her breasts and the hard muscles of her stomach. He’s not alone, she realized. Before Lara could make a move, Jeremiah stumbled forwards screaming and toppled them both, his stinky body falling on top her. Lara had twisted her arm in an attempt to brace herself and cringed with pain. Idiot! Now, a black warrior appeared above them, pointing a spear less than an inch from Lara’s face. His completely ripped body was covered in red and white body paint, and tribal earrings stretched out his earlobes. From his neck dangled a tribal token of some kind. But what made Lara’s breath catch was the big black cock that dangled between his strong thighs. Even in its softened form, she could’ve measured it against her forearm to find it both longer and thicker. The tribesman spoke in a harsh language but she couldn’t make out anything. His face remained impassive. “He said we’re his prisoners,” said Jeremiah. Lara’s eyes flickered with sunlight as she gazed up at the well-endowed African. “You can tell him I have no problem with that.” She and Jeremiah got up and were made to walk ahead, while the warrior directed them from the back. Lara had no chance to get her clothes, and figured it was probably for the best. As the tribesman followed from behind, she did her best to show off her wide hips and her dimpled butt. “They’re going to kill us,” whispered Jeremiah. “You worry far too much. Just let me talk to them.” “I’m going to make a run for it.” Lara wanted to punch him but dared not given the situation. “You better not, or else I’ll flay you alive.” With the loser gone, she would have no way of communicating with the tribe at all. Any chance of finding the artifact, and even of surviving, would be drastically reduced. Though they spent most of the day trekking, the tribesman took many breaks and seemed in no hurry. The sky darkened and night descended upon them and they were still in the middle of nowhere. “Ask him how much longer it is.” Jeremiah shook his crazed, scared face. “N-No…” At some point the warrior got up and planted his spear in the ground. He said some rough words, then took off. Jeremiah trembled. “He said that he has to take care of something. He said that if we leave that spear out of sight, he’s going to cook us for dinner.” Lara smiled at the tribesman. “Lovely.” Only when he had gone out of earshot did she turn to Jeremiah, “Listen, you need--” “I’m going to die,” he said, shuddering. “You won’t die! Stop saying that.” “I’m still a virgin.” His hand came up to his heart as if he were about to have a heart attack. “I… I…” He swallowed hard and seemed to choke. “You need to let me make love to you.” Lara laughed darkly. “Oh?” But his face remained stark and gloomy. “I can’t die a virgin. Please, please, please… I’ll do whatever you want. I’ll accept my fate. Just please let me have you just this one time. I promise I’ll give it my all.” I have no doubts. It’s just that your all is useless. The last thing she needed was for this idiot to try anything though. Considering he was right in the grand scheme of things, and that such a low lifeform as him would be wiped out in the near future, making the petty exchange to guarantee the artifacts return seemed worth it. All those people can’t have died for nothing. Lara took a deep breath and spread her legs open. “Well, come on, I suppose…” Jeremiah got up and fumbled with the buttons as he tried to take the shorts off. She stood by casually as he grabbed onto his tiny dick and tried to shove it inside. Lara offered no help and kept her gaze averted. She could feel him struggling to find the right place to put it, completely confused by the female anatomy. When at length he managed to put it inside, she could barely feel it, while he groaned and lowered himself on top of her. He went back and forth a few times, till she could feel it slipping out and rubbing against her lips. The loser seemed completely unaware of it. He seemed so amazed at the prospect that he was fucking her that he could focus on nothing else. “Does it feel good?” he asked breathlessly. Lara chortled. “It doesn’t feel like anything.” On the other hand, just thinking about that warrior’s beautiful black cock made her giddy and wet. A thrust later Jeremiah managed to come. At least, he sounded like it. When Lara attempted to clean herself in disgust, she found no trace of his cum at all. Do men this weak even have cum? Jeremiah plopped down next to her, grinning wildly. “My life is complete.” “What life?” asked Lara. When the warrior returned, Lara finally had Jeremiah translate a few things for him. But without even listening, the warrior shook his head and said that she would talk before the elders the following day. She slept peacefully for once, without being bothered constantly. The next morning they started off at daybreak, this time with the tribal warrior leading the way, no longer worried that they would attempt to escape. Lara followed closely, her eyes lingering over his buff back. “How could you ever compare with a man like this?” she teased Jeremiah. Though he had been quiet and behaving now, the fact that he had dared to penetrate her at all irked Lara deeply. His eyes bulged. “W-What?” “Just look at him. Those rippling muscles and that deep dark skin. Not to mention his horse cock. How could a little white bitch like you compare?” Jeremiah lowered his eyes and went in silence. Maybe he had finally learned his place. The tribal home of the warrior proved to be a few ramshackle huts that formed a rough circle. What surprised her the most was just how many women there were in the tribe. Young and old, all of them seeming to comprise the vast majority of their numbers. Where are their men? The question came to be answered soon enough. Three other men joined the warrior that had brought them to this place, all of them equally masculine and well-endowed. Out of the hut that squatted closest to the center, a elderly man came out. He was lankier than the others, with a shade of even darker skin, and a shawl thrown over his shoulders. His magnificent cock was decked out in rings of gold, while the lovely balls sagged freely, looking heavy with seed. The others formed a barrier around Lara and Jeremiah while the old chief inspected them. His eyes lingered over Lara’s sumptuous physique. He spoke in a low tone, interpersing his words with some lazy clicks. Jeremiah’s Adam’s apple bobbed nervously. “He asks what we’re doing in the territory. He asks if we don’t know that for anyone to travel here without permission is a crime, and that for whites it’s an unacceptable sacrilege.” Lara only went on smiling happily at the chief. She adjusted the few strands of hair that came over her face. “Tell him I want his help. Tell him…” Jeremiah struggled to translate at the speed that she talked. Afterwards the chief spoke in response. “How would you repay us for this help?” Lara grabbed the old man’s gnarled black hand and placed it over her creamy and soft breast. “However I can.” The chief, seemingly taken by her act, looked at her with new eyes. He palmed at her chest, lowering his hands down to her hips and finally upon her bubble butt. He squeezed and massaged her ass, boring into her eyes intensely. This is all I wanted, thought Lara, already dripping wet. Just a strong black man to use me for his pleasure. Relic hunting might’ve been her job, but being the slave to superior black men and worshiping their huge cocks - that was her real passion and purpose in life. As it is for all white women.   She dropped down to her knees instinctively, feeling unworthy to stand as a white bitch when surrounded by such beautiful black studs. Her eyes found the judging one of the chief. Hoping to please him, her soft white hand went up to his sweaty balls and caressed them with all the love in the world. They’re so heavy… The old man seemed content enough to let her continue. Lara leaned forwards and kissed his swollen cock down the shaft, leaving the final deep kiss for his engorged head. Then she came up and tried to fit both his balls inside the small space of her mouth. She did it, just barely, then let them rest in the welcoming warmth of her wet mouth as she massaged them with her tongue, moaning eagerly.   As a child, her father had always challenged her to fit as many candy drops in her mouth as possible. At the time, it only seemed like a game, but now… Was this what you were preparing me for, Papa? She only wished he could see her little girl now, fitting these old black balls in her mouth with all the know-how of a proper BBC slut. You would be so proud. The chief took a step back, nodding vigorously. “He says you have his approval,” Jeremiah translated, shocked at what he was seeing. “But his warriors must put you to the test as well.” Lara grinned. “Please.” Though they were from a world away, these Africans behaved in the exact same way all black men did when dealing with a white whore. They formed an impenetrable circle around her, then grabbed their BBCs and slapped them against her face while Lara held her tongue out and smiled. I’m so ready to submit to you… she thought, looking up at the severe dark faces surrounding her. She took a cock in each hand and used her mouth to move around between them, slurping at each one in turn. The warriors grabbed her by her ponytail and fucked her face as roughly as they could. Lara choked hard on their throbbing cocks as they assaulted her tight throat. They held her nose and spit down on her face, clearly intent on making her suffer as much as possible. But that’s what white women deserve. And wanted.   Only when she began to gag on their cocks and cry in earnest did they start to exchange smiles between them. They made her deepthroat each one of their cocks down to the very base, holding her down in an ungodly lock as her body began to spasm on its own, trying desperately to draw breath. Lara got passed from one to another, and every sign of hesitation was rewarded with a ear-ringing slap that sent her mind reeling. Thank you… Discipline me, masters! When they were done she lay on the ground, panting, barely able to think. Her eyes wandered up and she saw Jeremiah staring down, stroking his white pinky dick he watched the love of his life get dominated by real men. Black ones. One of the tribesmen got behind her and shoved her face down into the mud, while he sent his cock in the deepest reaches of her pussy. Lara screamed from the pain, unable to suppress it in any way, feeling her the walls of her tight pussy getting stretched more than they were ever meant to. These men didn’t just want to fuck her. They wanted to ruin her. The only response of her body, however, was to melt in submission and give itself over to this superior breed of men, no matter what the cost. I need to serve them. Her pussy gushed with her juices as the tribesmen switched places behind her, slapping at her ass with all the force they could muster till Lara could feel the blood trickling down her abused asscheeks. But her screams soon turned to low moans that could’ve been mistaken for guttural growls. She had just lost all control of herself. An orgasm ripped through her and left her legs quivering and her lungs unable to take in enough air - rather than stopping, the warriors went at her even harder. Slowly they began to gangbang her in earnest, slapping her around to attentive wakefulness and forcing her to stroke their cocks. Another warrior got under her while the one behind now took her ass, with the third went back to facefucking her mercilessly. Lara took their abuse with joy in their heart, knowing she only did what came natural to her. Being a cumdumpster and a cocksleeve for big black cocks. The most honorable thing for any white woman to do, and the one that held the greatest pleasure as a reward. She came again and again, now not even able to scream. All the terrified and agonized screams that followed as her tight ass got torn by their cocks and made to gape wildly were choked back down by the pulsing BBC that dumped hot seed right down her throat. In short order, every single part of her got filled up, from her pussy to her ass. When they were finally done with her, she lay on the ground shaking helplessly, with seed spilling both from her nostrils and her mouth. Her whole body writhed in the mud as the relentless orgams combined with the torture of her insides combined to ravage her young body with all the force necessary to punish such a little white cumrag. Just when she thought she was about to pass out, two of the warriors brought her up on unsteady feet. They held her and helped her go on unsteady feet towards the waiting chieftain that sat on a stool. His gnarled and bumpy cock had been undressed of all rings except one at the base. Thick seed dribbled from the top as he held it up. No… Lara thought, trying to get out of it. But she was too weak to move a single muscle. Later, I-- The two impaled her on the old man’s cock in a single savage movement. The old man reached up and locked her in a full nelson position, clicking with excitement in his native tongue as his massive BBC rammed her insides. Lara shrieked at the top of her voice, shaking without control. A moment later, a shower of juices shot out of her raw pussy, and her eyes rolled back, blank in absolute pleasure. Her slutty mouth hung open, tongue lolling, waiting to be filled by more delicious black seed. The old man took the last unexplored corners of her body, sending her on a ride she would never forget. Lara slipped in and out of consciousness, and each time she came back she could hear her tits slapping against her chest and the fire spreading inside her body as the chieftain filled her with all the seed from his colossal black balls. Through her half-closed eyes, Lara could see Jeremiah getting stripped down by some of the tribeswomen and dragged off. They fucked her. Not for the day, not for the night, but for days to come, until Lara lost all track of time. She fed only on their seed and the pleasure that wracked her entire body. The tribesman seemed content with her too, and in the final days went to far as to teach her the name they called her by (which Jeremiah translated as “pale dog bitch”) and paint her body in a pattern that they reserved for the lowest of the low within their society. They accepted me, she thought happily, with tears in her eyes, as her tits flew wildly from the nonstop assfucking she received. Jeremiah, however, had not been accepted. They correctly deemed him too useless, and unworthy of manhood. The only way they could accept him among them was as a pet and not as a white guy - Jeremiah needed to leave his identity behind. The tribeswomen covered him in a mix of coal and mud, and forced him to trail on all fours in service to the chieftain. He would serve as a translator when they needed one; but most importantly, as an example of what losers white men were. “Everything worked out great, didn’t it?” Lara glanced down at him, her legs shiny with several rivulets of warm seed. The time to depart was nearly upon them, but she couldn't stop stroking their gorgeous black cocks. "You're so lucky you get to stay behind." Annoyed by his constant stares, she put her foot on his head and lowered his head into the mud. Redeemed or not, he still didn't deserve to gaze upon her.

[laurent--stpierre]

THIS WILL END IN TEARS [2 / 4]

All right, so this is the start of a series of self paras that all tie into each other. They’re not being posted in chronological order, so make sure to take note of the dates they happened. The information in this self para will spread through the Organization quickly. Enjoy being able to react to it, and be a little bit smug to Johnathan. 

Date: August 6th, 2019. Warnings: Typical mob fare. It’s really long tho, so apologies.

“I’m going to level with you, I was looking to make this a bit more dramatic…”

The piece of shit hunched over in front of him didn’t respond.

“It’s not that I don’t care enough about you to put the effort in. It just turns out we picked the one sprawling estate without a fucking basement. Can you believe it?”

As the Frenchman took an exaggerated drag on his cigarette, he glanced around the room for a minute. It really was a world away from the basement he’d been forced to endure; decked out from floor to ceiling in palatial gold that could’ve only been by request of Aurélie. This prick must have thought himself so lucky to have ended up here. It didn’t matter to Laurent, though. Whilst this place mightn’t have had the same looming reputation the Russian torture chamber did, the former Commandant was more than content to make up for its shortcomings with his own hands.

When the man he addressed still didn’t respond, he could feel himself losing patience.

It was no fun if they didn’t play along.

“Come on, now. Did nobody ever tell you it’s rude to ignore your host?” Laurent asked, finally resorting to kicking at the leg of his captive’s chair as he blew smoke in his direction. “If you’re pretending to be unconscious so you don’t have to talk to me, I’m going to be offended.”

“You French cunts really do love the sound of your own voices, don’t you?”

As the man sighed, he appeared to deflate along with it.

“That’s more like it,” Laurent greeted, loudly enough that it visibly startled the Brit. As the Frenchman clapped his hands together in mock jubilation, the man finally looked up at his tormentor through his swollen eyes with a glare so evil, if looks could kill, Laurent would’ve been dead on the floor in a heartbeat. “I personally love the sound of my own voice, but don’t you go stereotyping us all, now. That’s racist.”

“What the fuck do you want, Laurent?”

It seemed an odd question to ask, under the circumstances. Did he even want to know?

“I just want a nice, friendly, productive conversation. How does that sound?”

Plucking this man off the streets had taken more planning than he cared to admit, but the boss had been adamant that this time, the biggest thorn in their side would pay the price for his sins. What happened with Théo had hit them all hard; they were, after all, an organization so used to absolute power that to be limited in this new city was a difficult situation for them to stomach. Whilst they hadn’t been able to intervene when it came to influencing the Met Police, however, they still had just enough eyes inside to know that a certain somebody had paid Théo a visit.

Laurent was sure that he hadn’t seen fire like that in her eyes since Versailles.

It was no secret that Westminster’s Commandant and Aurélie were close. Laurent reasoned that it was the only reason he’d gotten as far as he had in the first place. But for this to be the reason she finally snapped? For Johnathan’s unannounced visit whilst her friend was unattended to be the thing that pushed her over the edge? Unless there was something she wasn’t sharing—and as his short time as head of London, he’d already learned it was better not to ask—he was baffled by the escalation.

That didn’t mean they weren’t all happy to be finally making some moves, however.

Aurélie had been vague but absolute in her orders: Johnathan Parsons was to be reminded that despite what his ego might’ve told him, his actions did have consequences.

Johnathan Parsons was to suffer for all the times he had not suffered before.

The easiest way to get to the brute of a man would’ve been his child, and anybody who’d said the thought hadn’t immediately crossed their mind was a liar. No, they weren’t the Russians, and they tried to keep family off limits as best they could, but this was Parsons. Extreme measures were necessary. Of course, given that she was just about to bring a third into the world, and despite the fact she didn’t doubt they would stoop as low when it came to her, Aurélie had vehemently prohibited any violence against his daughter.

It’d taken slightly more grovelling on his part to spare Jessica Reyes what would’ve no doubt been a painful end. Aurélie hadn’t seemed pleased about that—she’d followed it up with a comment that made him wonder just how closely she was keeping an eye on him—but he had been insistent enough that eventually she’d got bored of arguing. Laurent didn’t regret it; partly because she reminded him of Claudia, but mostly because Johnathan reminded him of himself. The situation was not her fault, and she didn’t deserve to suffer for it.

Eventually, they had settled on the closest person that remained.

“And what exactly do you want to talk about?”

Laurent snorted. Where should they begin?

“I want to talk about everything, Jai. I want to talk about your boss. I want to talk about why one of my people was attacked by the Russians. I want to talk about Théodore Chaussard being behind bars. I want to talk about your business in Tower Hamlets. I want to talk about you slipping me Lara Rutherford’s number to make this go a little easier for you.”

It was his turn to scoff this time.

“No.”

For someone who was such a raging piece of shit, it was almost hard to believe that Johnathan could have any real friends at all. When it had become apparent back in Porto Velho that Jai Dalal was not only his right hand man, but also his most trusted confidant, however, the target on his back grew exponentially with every antagonistic move his best friend made. Jessica and Sarah might not have been ideal candidates, but a man who had committed just as many himself—or been passive to those his boss had in the meantime—was just as deserving of the pain as Parsons was.

“To which part? Don’t say Lara…”

“What the fuck was St. Clair thinking when she sent you here, huh? Her way of saying London is just a joke to the French, by any chance? How does someone like you make it to head of the city?”

If Laurent hadn’t already spent months asking himself those same questions to the point of absolute insensitivity, he might’ve taken the comment to heart. Instead:

“Fucked my way to the top.”

“I—” Jai started, but instead ejected yet another hefty sigh.

“Let me guess, you did the same thing? Johnny boy looks like the type…”

“So you don’t do basements. What, you and your dumb fucking comments like Chinese water torture are the new way of trying to break people?”

“I can send Varden back in, if you’d prefer?”

There was real beauty in seeing fear flash behind eyes that were trying so hard to hide it.

Jai said nothing.

“How about we bring someone else into the mix, instead? Maybe if there’s another person here for you to converse with, I won’t annoy you so much.”

It didn’t take long to tap out a message to his friends in the adjoining room.

“See, you’re the headliner, Jai, but we managed to pick ourselves up a little bonus prize whilst we were out scouting tonight.”

A few silent moments passed in which Laurent contemplated lightning another cigarette, before his action was interrupted by the sound of the dining room door swinging open. Two of his men flanked the hooded figure of a woman; it seemed an excessive entourage, given that she appeared far too injured to even think about fighting back. There was no struggle as they dragged her over, and dumped her square at Laurent’s feet.

It only took a quick once over to realise that the arm she was cradling had been so badly broken, it was visible through the skin. The silent weeping became more obvious as Sylvain and Jean walked away again, as did the realisation that they hadn’t restrained her because they didn’t need to.

“Don’t worry, it isn’t anybody you know,” Laurent assured, like he gave a solitary fuck, leaning forward to take a careful handful of the hood. “This is Ivanna.”

Laurent didn’t know why, but he hadn’t expected her to look worse than Jai did.

He was wrong.

It was a shame it’d come to this, really, because he’d seen her just before Varden and Daniel had been let loose. The woman had beautiful brown eyes, and features so feminine and delicate that it seemed impossible she was a fucking Russian. If she’d been walking down the street, with those same killer legs that were now twisted beneath her in an uncomfortable heap, she would’ve turned his head in a heartbeat. But now? Laurent didn’t doubt that it would take extensive amounts of surgery to give her back any semblance of…well, anything human in definition.

There was so much blood.

Aviv Kasyanenko sure could pick them.

The corner of his mouth turned upward slightly as he glanced down at her hands. The left ring finger was missing as a special fuck you from Daniel, no doubt.

“It’s okay,” Laurent said in a hushed whisper, as though comforting a child, reaching forward slightly to brush against her hair. “I’m not going to hurt you. I promise.”

It didn’t surprise him that nothing more than a strangled sob followed.

“You’re here because I want to talk to you, okay? Nothing else. The more you can help me out here, the less likely it is I send you back to them. I really don’t want to do that, Ivanna, but I’m going to need your help.” Sighing out through his nose, Laurent looked down at the dumb fucking bitch. It was a sight so pathetic he was finding it remarkably difficult not to visually cringe. Might’ve made that feigned sympathy a little less convincing, though… “How about we get you up off that floor and into a chair, huh? You can sit in my seat.”

Luckily enough, Jai had either slipped back into unconsciousness, or had just learned how to behave, because the idiot didn’t speak a word as the Frenchman slowly hoisted the pretzel into the chair. It seemed impossible, but she almost looked more uncomfortable now she was seated. Maybe he’d find a second to feel bad about it later. Until then, and now that he was without his own chair, he slowly crouched so that he was face to face with her.

“Is that better?”

Even though he knew it wasn’t, it seemed as though she’d nodded because she was scared not to.

“Thank you…”

“Did you hear that, Jai?” Laurent gasped, turning his head quickly to glance at the Indian. “That’s what it sounds like to have manners. You could learn a lot from the Russian, here.”

Silence.

Prick.

“Unfortunately, he’s not too chatty, Ivanna, but he’s going to help us with this conversation we’re going to have, is that all right?”

The brunette nodded stiffly, and his warm smile seemed to have comforted her somewhat, because for the first time since she’d entered the room, she finally looked up at him. Laurent immediately wished she hadn’t. They were as badly damaged as the rest of her. As his own gaze travelled down to the hands she cradled in her lap, he slowly took a hold of the one which wasn’t missing a finger or attached to a compound fracture. It felt like ice. As he brushed his thumb across her knuckles, he couldn’t help but wonder whether or not he still had that bottle of hand sanitizer tucked away in his jacket pocket…

“The first thing I need to ask you is when did you get here? When did you come to London?”

The interrogation proved to be an arduous process. Most of her answers were quiet, stuttered, or forced through the sound of what could’ve easily been her choking on her own blood. Jai seemed to have no understanding as to why he was present, and that amused Laurent even more than the bitch before him who genuinely believed that he was going to help her if she was honest. The Frenchman alternated between holding her hand and gently stroking her hair as she answered the basic questions about the Russians, where they were set up, whether she’d come with Aviv, and who else had followed her out to the city.

Ivanna bared all because she was scared.

Because she was not a mobster, and because she just wanted the pain to stop.

Laurent didn’t feel bad for her when she started to cry. All he could think about was how much Claudia must’ve been hurting when the Russians had done the same thing to her.

It wasn’t until he finally got to the most important question of all that Jai would learn why the Frenchman hadn’t conducted this discussion in another room.

“Why did the Russians come to London, Ivanna? Did Aviv tell you?”

When her eyebrows pulled into a confused frown, he gave her hand a gentle squeeze.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean the Russians could’ve headed to any city they liked. Why pick London?”

There were other things he’d wanted to ask; perhaps, he could’ve even phrased that more subtly. Unfortunately, it seemed as though her strength was fading by the minute, and as her head lolled back uncomfortably—like a child trying to fight sleep—he quickly moved his hand up to help her. The tears had started to well again. It was almost as though she knew that her answer would condemn her family, even though he was sure she didn’t realise quite how much.

“It’s all right,” he whispered, bringing her head to rest against his shoulder. Blood on his Hugo motherfucking Boss. Unreal. “This is the last thing I need to know, and then you can go, all right?”

“It was what they agreed.”

“What who agreed?”

Laurent spared a glance at Jai.

The man was a professional. There was no way on God’s green Earth the French would’ve been able to get the answers out of him, no matter how long he was left alone with Laurent. What seemed unlikely, however, was that he would be able to stop himself from reacting to somebody weaker spilling everything right in front of him. Ivanna might not have been the most reliable source in the world, but if he could get the back up of a reaction from Jai, then her words would surely hold more weight than that of a woman trying to save her own life.

Not that she seemed intelligent enough to lie.

“I don’t kn—” It sounded as though she was really struggling, now. If she didn’t hurry the fuck up, he might miss out on the confirmation all together. “I don’t know everything. Aviv doesn’t tell me.”

“Who agreed on what, Ivanna?”

“The Rutherfords, when they asked for help in Porto…”

In a split second, it felt like all of the air had been sucked from the room.

Of all the cancerous things he was expecting might leave her mouth, that was not one of them.

Porto? They were in fucking Porto?

“What do you mean? What help did the Rutherfords ask for in Porto Velho?”

“They needed help. Help. The hotel. If we helped with the hotel, they said we could come here…”

If he hadn’t been so stunned by the words that had just left her dumb fucking mouth, he might’ve made a solid attempt at ripping her head from her shoulders. The Russians had been in Porto Velho this whole fucking time, and it had gone unnoticed? Unpunished? Was the hotel she was referring to Versailles? It seemed pretty fucking unlikely they’d enlist Russian help to work on PR for the Chelsea fucking Royal… Laurent could feel every ounce of anger he’d felt about that whole cluster fuck—even if his pain had come at the hands of someone else—flood back in an instant. Aurélie had been stabbed. Alessia was dead.

“You stupid fucking cunt.”

The outburst was a solid reminder that Jai was still in the room, because for a minute there, lost in an absolute flood of wrath, Laurent had forgotten he’d existed.

Whilst he was fully expecting this to go his way—to get solid confirmation that it had, indeed, been the Rutherfords who had invited the Russians to London—he had not expected their desperate collusion to go back so far. For it to have been the Russians who had orchestrated the attack on their hotel, and not the British family they had been blaming for years. Fuck, they should’ve known… They might’ve had the money and the influence, but to attack the heads of two powerful crime families so boldly? It was out there. Too fucking out there.

The fucking Russians.

“Do you mean Versailles?”

It was impossible to keep himself from shaking. Laurent had long ago given up the gentle hand against her head for fear of crushing her skull before she could finish.

“She means Empire. The Russians helped us with funding for Empire.”

That particular bluff might’ve landed better if Aurélie didn’t have Amir, the actual fucking investor, wrapped around her little finger.

“The Russians help at Versailles, and the Rutherfords let some of us move to Haringey. It was the deal. I just wanted a fresh start. We just wanted to be anywhere but Launceston…”

“You people will literally say anything to drag us down,” Jai scoffed.

Even though he was gearing up to shout again, Laurent’s hand had already found its way to the cool metal of his gun. It did nothing physically to soothe the fact he felt like he was on fire, but the deafening sound of the point-blank shot—the sight of Jai slumping back as soon as the bullet smashed through his skull—was satisfying in ways he could only hope to relive with Johnathan. Laurent stared at the carcass as though he expected it to speak up again. Get fucking cocky now, you prick. Ivanna was now in fits of sobs so loud he could hardly hear himself think. Still, his hand held firmly onto his weapon, and he wondered whether he should turn around and shove the thing into her noisy fucking mouth.

“Wasn’t he helpful, Ivanna?”

“You said you weren’t going to hurt me…”

The sound of the door opening, Sylvain and Dan bursting through the door to see what was happening a second later, did little to distract him from the woman in front of him.

“I never break a promise.”

Her pathetic relief was the cherry on the top of the dead Jai sundae.

“But that man over there?” Laurent said quietly, lifting a hand to gesture toward the men with a smile. “This is Daniel. Did Aviv ever mention somebody named Daniel to you? Maybe Noa?”

The way that she seemed to freeze in an instant suggested yes. It hadn’t taken a bullet to drain the life from her; just a boyfriend who couldn’t keep his mouth shut, and the couple of brain cells it took to add two and two together.

“Aviv took some things that belonged to Noa. Wedding and engagement rings. He almost took their baby’s life, too, did you know that?”

Laurent had thought her face couldn’t possibly look even worse than it had done post-beating, but as it contorted into the ugliest fucking crying face he’d seen since Sofia Kurylenko, he realised that he’d been wrong. This was definitely worse. Dan could have dibs on the physical suffering, but Laurent was glad to be the one to make her suffer without having to life a fucking finger.

He would enjoy thinking about it for weeks to come.

“I’m not going to hurt you, Ivanna,” he said, standing up straight and slipping his gun back into the holster. “But Dan? I think Dan is probably going to hurt you a lot.”

[enigmaphenomenon]

Something’s up with Jack (Another Jack analysis)

I believe Handsome Jack has Borderline Personality Disorder. 

Let’s first go through the symptoms of BPD. In order to be diagnosed with BPD one needs to have repeated patterns of 5 out of 9 symptoms of BPD. I’ll go through the symptoms Jack displays. 

Google gives a very brief list of symptoms. I’ll highlight the ones Jack is shown having. 

Behavioral: antisocial behavior, compulsive behavior, hostility, impulsivity, irritability, risk taking behaviors, self-destructive behavior, self-harm, social isolation, or lack of restraint

Mood: anger, anxiety, general discontent, guilt, loneliness, mood swings, or sadness

Psychological: depression, distorted self-image, grandiosity, or narcissism

So let’s just dive right into his symptoms. I don’t...really need to provide examples of Jack’s narcissism, do I? Because that one is obvious as all hell. 

1)  An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection. 

Oh yeah. And Jack reacts quite violently to what he perceives as betrayals and/or abandonment. If you trust Jack instead of Fiona at the end of Episode 2, and refuse to trust him in Episode 3 when he asks you too...uh...

“Oh. Oh, that’s a... shame. Because I thought--- I thought we were becoming pals. Saved your life back there and you...still don’t trust me? You know I’m uh...I’ve had to deal with this my whole damn life you know? You try to do the right thing and people just... crap all over you for it. Well, congrats kiddo. You’re the latest in a long line of Jack-shitters. Super psyched about it.” 

This isn’t the first time Jack mentions that he should have seen this all coming, he mentions it again at the end of Episode 5. 

“I should have seen this coming--ever since I came to this nacho-flavored shithole of a planet. I’ve been betrayed by everybody I gave rat’s ass about. My boss. My girlfriend. Hell...my goddamn daughter.” 

Then, of course, Jack telling Rhys...

And....

Jack has extreme violent reactions to people he views as being against him, even when they aren’t. Adding to this is Jack’s hatred of all vault-hunters due to Lilith and Roland’s betrayal and also his fear of being shot in the back if he lets his enemies live. Remember he was willing to forgive the Meriff and let him live until the Meriff tries to shoot Jack as he’s walking away. This then leads to Jack airlocking scientists just for the mere possibility one of them might be working for Zarpedon. Also, when Athena or whoever else you play suggest just rushing to the vault and not fighting Jack insists they all must die, stating that if you let your enemies live, they’ll shoot you in the back. 

2)  A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn't care enough or is cruel. (People with BPD tend to have relationships that are intense and short-lived. You may fall in love quickly, believing each new person is the one who will make you feel whole, only to be quickly disappointed. Your relationships either seem perfect or horrible, with nothing in between. Your lovers, friends, or family members may feel like they have emotional whiplash from your rapid swings between idealization and devaluation, anger, and hate.)

Moxxi, Rhys, Angel, and his second wife. 

Moxxi says he was clingy and that’s why she dumped Jack, Jack blew up her slaughter dome thing due to this, but this doesn’t stop him from asking her for help to fight against Zarpedon. 

Rhys? Aw man just take a look at this switch. 

“Oh, wow. I wish I could hug you right now. I’m gonna make a robot that just hugs you when I tell it to. I’m so proud. I’m so proud of my special boy! This is a perfect partnership, Rhys. You trusted me. I trusted you, and now we’re here! Man--never really had a partner I could count on before. Feels kinda dope”

No Jack, Rhys doesn’t want a giant Endoskeleton to crawl inside his body. 

“This was YOUR chance to make history, you moron! To be part of a legacy! To matter for once in your useless little life!”

Angel doesn’t need to be explained right? In the ECHO logs in Borderlands 2 Jack cycles between being amiable towards her and then lashing out at her. 

His relationship with his second wife was ruined over him refusing to shut down the control core, and in an ECHO log it’s stated she disappeared shortly after telling Jack to shut down the control core. 

3) Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self

Jack is a meglomaniac who sees himself as the hero and as a god, but, in BL2 he brings this up: 

"I know you think I'm a monster. You think I enslaved Angel. But you didn't see what she did to her mother. I had to restrain Angel's power. You get that? I had to."

He brings this up to the vault hunter. Why? What does he care what the vault hunter thinks of him? Jack sure as hell hasn’t cared at all about “bandits” opinions of him. And he really isn’t shy about blaming other people for something, come on, this is the same man who says he shot a baby because THE BABY was being a dick. 

Jack doesn’t blame Angel for betraying him. As he said in TFTBL, she had no choice. He also doesn’t say that vault hunters killed her. He says that she killed herself.

This is Jack being hit with the realization that his daughter is dead, and that he drove her to it. He’s the monster who enslaved Angel, but he says he had to do it (I’ll go deeper into this in a different essay). He had to to restrain her power, he had to, as if he didn’t have a choice. There is guilt behind these words. 

To compare, in Tomb Raider 2013 there was extra dialogue (that for some reason was not in the final version of the game) after Lara has her first kill, she tells herself “I had to do it. I had to do it.” That’s how Lara rationalizes taking a life. If she had not killed that man, he would have killed her, so she “had to.”

I believe its the same with Jack. There is guilt there. Why would he feel the need to defend his actions to the vault hunters? To the “bandits?” He saw Angel ask the vault hunters to end her life, he saw her call them friend, her last dying breath was needing to tell her father that he’s an asshole. Jack knows. He knows what he’s done. But he’s too mentally ill to accept it, or change it. If anything, that just drove him further into insanity. 

In TFTBL Jack also mentions that he knows where Rhys is coming from and imposter syndrome is normal, and to just strangle that voice in his head that says he’s not good enough. 

4) Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship

Hahahaha ooooooh yeaaaaah. 

Spending sprees: Butt Stallion

“My day? It's been pretty good. I just bought a pony made of diamonds, because I’m rich. So, you know. That’s cool.“

Unsafe sex: 

“If I’da just thrown stock options at the Vault Hunters instead of bullets, I’d be on a beach right now doing disturbingly graphic things with the local ladies.”

Drug abuse: 

He mashed up a mushroom and snorted it...a lot...

Primo hit of electri-drugs.

His chair also has contact activated Dopamine injectors. 

Jack drinks, a lot apparently, since he thought either sex or drinking would kill him. 

It really wouldn’t surprise me if Jack participated in orgies which he probably totally did.

5)  Extreme emotional swings. Unstable emotions and moods are common with BPD. One moment, you may feel happy, and the next, despondent. Little things that other people brush off can send you into an emotional tailspin. These mood swings are intense, but they tend to pass fairly quickly (unlike the emotional swings of depression or bipolar disorder), usually lasting just a few minutes or hours.

Jack is...really unstable and I don’t think anyone will disagree.  

ECHO logs in BL2 depict Jack going from manic to a fit of rage both with Angel and Mr. Tassiter. As well as Mr. Moorin who he strangles for mentioning his wife. 

Or when he gets really excited...

6) Chronic feelings of emptiness. People with BPD often talk about feeling empty, as if there’s a hole or a void inside them. At the extreme, you may feel as if you’re “nothing” or “nobody.” This feeling is uncomfortable, so you may try to fill the hole with things like drugs, food, or sex. But nothing feels truly satisfying.

After becoming CEO he became dictator of Pandora, then decided...hey why not conquer more planets? Why not basically become a god? That toppled on top of Jack’s drug use and sex life. He bought a diamond horse and named it Butt-stallion...

He also says that when he takes Rhys’ body he’s still gonna use it to eat food and bang a bunch of people. 

(A side note, Dameon Clarke while answering questions as Handsome Jack said that there’s a lot of smiling going on but he’s actually dead inside. I just wanted to add it here as a point of interest.)

Jack also tolerated Mr. Tassiter’s insults until Tassiter told Jack that he’s a pathetic nobody under his mask. This leads to Jack strangling him and keeping his goatee as a reminder of what happens to people when they’re a dick to Jack. 

7)Explosive anger. If you have BPD, you may struggle with intense anger and a short temper. You may also have trouble controlling yourself once the fuse is lit—yelling, throwing things, or becoming completely consumed by rage. It’s important to note that this anger isn’t always directed outwards. You may spend a lot of time being angry at yourself.

I don’t feel I need to provide examples for this one. We’ve all seen Jack’s rage. He uh....really goes off and it is not easy to stop him. 

Now that we got Jack’s symptoms out of the way let’s move on to causes. 

Most mental health professionals believe that borderline personality disorder (BPD) is caused by a combination of inherited or internal biological factors and external environmental factors, such as traumatic experiences in childhood.

...

Hereditary predisposition. You may be at a higher risk if a close relative — your mother, father, brother or sister — has the same or a similar disorder.

Stressful childhood. Many people with the disorder report being sexually or physically abused or neglected during childhood. Some people have lost or were separated from a parent or close caregiver when they were young or had parents or caregivers with substance misuse or other mental health issues. Others have been exposed to hostile conflict and unstable family relationships.

Let’s start with Jack’s genetics. If you saw my last post about Jack, it was wondering if Jack’s grandmother was a bandit and/or psycho due to her buzz axe. It is very possible that Jack’s grandmother and mother also suffer with some mental illness. 

Onto the stressful childhood. Grandma’s buzz axe which was a disciplinary weapon she used on Jack, and in The Pre-Sequel, Jack is asked to describe his childhood which he says his mother abandoned him on his abusive grandmother who would smack him around. He also had a pet cat that his grandma drowned because he didn’t make his bed. He cites this as “the usual stuff” 

Jack has both genetics and environmental factors that can lead to someone having mental disorders. 

Jack’s drug use and drinking would aid in making his BPD symptoms much worse as well.

So...yeah, there’s my Jack analysis.

[suzysgossip]

#WCWGATE

What’s that they say? Don’t post a #WCW unless you’re ready for the entire Internet to comment on it? This all started last week when Reggie posted a #WCW post for Kitty. The rest, as they say, is history...

1. REGGIE AND KITTY

So here’s the burning question you’re dying to know: Are Reggie and Kitty fucking?

The answer? Probably not. I don’t know why Reggie decided to post a picture of Kitty as a #WCW, nor do I know why Reggie thought that at all would be a good idea. I can basically guarantee to you that Reggie is the kind of person who does stupid shit and pays the consequences later, but like... did they not realize this would be a Major Dramatic Event? Reggie... is really lacking in the brain cells department, so I can’t say I’m surprised, but...

Personally, I like the theory that Reggie and Kitty wanted to pull a Taylor and control the narratives of their breakups. Maybe this also means that they’re teaming up to make sure that everyone knows what side to root for. 

If Reggie and Kitty are a legitimate thing, I don’t think it’s gonna last long. I also think Kitty and Nicola will need help paying their lease every month.

2. LOLA

Lola posted a #WCW of herself, because nothing screams humility like a picture of your ass covered by a sheer black dress that my grandmother would call “funeral chic.” Guess she was pissed that Reggie posted a #WCW of her roommate?

Did we just figured out how to break the #Roomies? Because let me tell you, if Nicola was stuck in the middle of a Lola and Kitty fight, which side do you think she’d take? Let me know in the comments below!

Sources report Lola leaving the apartment and heading over to Haley Sterling’s apartment. She didn’t leave there until morning. Also, girl, cover your ass. Save some shit for the customers who pay to watch you take your clothes off, since you’re not good for anything else.

3. THE SALTINGTONS

My favorite part about the Claringtons is how they interject themselves into shit that has literally nothing to do with them. Hunter talks about how she’s trying her hardest to be the best possible sister ever to Harper, and yet... she stirs the pot, makes a mess, and then leaves Harper to the wolves. Come on, Hunter. Doesn’t Harper deserve better than to clean up the messes you constantly make for her?

My favorite part of this is how obsessed with Reggie the Claringtons are. Because who wants to (or wants a family member to) get back together with someone who outright told you that they didn’t love you? That’s a healthy relationship right there.

UPDATE:

Hunter is like everyone’s least favorite divorced aunt at the family Christmas party who gets drunk off eggnog and keeps popping up to tell you about the hip replacement she’s getting in the new year. Except, that hip replacement is Harper’s bravery for getting on a bus and using Google Maps when her parents forgot to feed her one day. Honestly, I want to talk to the Greyhound employee who sold a one-way ticket to a ten-year-old, but that’s beside the point.

Anyway, the actual point here is that Hunter flat out admitted to the entire Internet that Harper doesn’t sic her on people, but she does her harassment all on her own. That’s right, ACup, we are all little dolls in the Hunter Clarington dollhouse, and if you so much as look at Harper the wrong way? She’ll pop your head off.

4. THIS WEEK’S #WCW

Several things happened this week for #WCW.

Harper posted a #WCW for Matt. Nobody cared, but she did it, so I’m mentioning it.

Lara, Lola, and Marley all posted #WCWs for Kitty.  Kinda wondering if Kitty paid them to do this so that the heat would come off her, but we’re not sure what level of pathetic Kitty is on.

Lara’s was worded in a way that ensured she got laid that night. Oops, did we not know Lara and Kitty were a thing? Surprise! Anyone who saw them leaving the last BOTB would know that. Kinda wonder what it’s like to have fucked both parts of #jitty, so Lara, dear, do us a favor and let us know?

Marley’s was a complete 180 from how Marley’s spoken publicly about Kitty before. See, girls? You can keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Lola’s second #WCW running read more like a fuck you to Hunter than an actual post in support of Kitty. Keep trying to be “above all the drama” with Hunter and Harper, Lola. We know you’re just dying to spill all the tea. When you do, make sure it’s public so we can enjoy it.

Riley posted a #WCW for Reggie. No idea why she did this, if I’m being honest. I can’t find a single public interaction between the two of them. Not that you need to interact with someone publicly in order to be friends with them, but it came out of nowhere. My best guess? Riley got jealous that Marley posted a #WCW for Kitty, so she decided to post one for Reggie. I don’t think there’s anything else gossip or noteworthy about this, but that’s all I’ve got. Though, of course, there is the idea that Riley took major pity on all the heat Reggie took last week and gave her a #WCW as a “you tried” gold star, or maybe Riley’s trying to shoot her shot with Reggie since Haley ditched her. Who knows. Tell me your theories in the comments below!

@rocketpowerreg @awildecard @lolalvarez @huntercyastud @notthatharperlee  @acuplara @acupmarley @rileduplynn @haleyface

[metalzombiemiss]

Secret--Chapter 28

Characters: Negan x Lily (OFC) Warnings: Language

Chapter 28

“Look at you!” Maggie shouted as she greeted Lily into the Hilltop, “How are you feeling?”

“Morning sickness has finally stopped. Three fucking months later!  I’ll take it though!” She replied, giving Maggie a hug.  Her belly had grown a bit more in the last month and the pregnancy was far more obvious.  People at Alexandria had already started giving her baby gifts.

“I might have some extra baby clothes in the house if you need any,” Maggie offered.

“I have so much baby stuff already!  I don’t think I can fit anymore into my house!” Lily joked.

Negan walked up with a box full of supplies.  “Where do you want these, Mags?”

“Give them to Alan.  He knows where it all goes.  Here to see your girls?”

Lily nodded, “Just wanted to check up.  Simon hasn’t come back since we dropped them off here.  Wanted to see if they wanted to come back to Alexandria with us.”

“I’ll take you to them,” Maggie motioned for them to follow her over to the trailers by the apple trees that had grown so beautifully over the past few months.

Lily took in the beauty that was the Hilltop.  The way things had grown here was truly breathtaking to her.  She nodded to everyone who said hello and stopped a few times to get hugs from a few familiar faces who wanted to congratulate her on her growing bump.  They reached the trailer where they had been hiding the girls and knocked on the door.

Amber opened the door and smiled when she saw Lily and Negan standing in front of her.  “Oh my god, Negan!  Lily!  How are you?!”  She glanced down at Lily’s stomach and screamed, “OH MY GOD YOU’RE PREGNANT?!”

“Mmmhmm!” Lily responded with a smile on her face.

Amber jumped out of the trailer and squeezed her.  “I am so happy for you!”

Negan stood beside them awkwardly wondering where the anger had gone from a few months before.  “Uh...thank you, Amber.  You seem...happy.  You don’t seem to fucking hate Lily anymore.”

Amber waved her hand at him after she let go of the hug.  “Oh, I never hated her.  I guess I was just jealous but I’m fine now.  I’m seeing somebody, actually.”

“That’s great!” Lily said, “Who?”

Lara stepped out and wrapped her arms around Amber’s waist.  “Me.  She’s seeing me.”

“Guuuuyyyysss!!!” Lily shrieked, “This is wonderful!!!!” She hugged them both tightly, squealing in unison.

“I’m so fucking happy for you, Amber,” Negan smiled.

“Thanks, Negan,” she said, “Never thought this would be a thing but here we are!”

“So,” Lily pulled away, “Any chance you guys want to come back to Alexandria?  It’s been a few months and Simon still hasn’t come back.  I think it’s safe now.”

Amber looked back at Lara, “What do you think?”

Lara thought for a moment then said, “I think we’re good here, actually.  The trailer isn’t so bad and we’ve made some friends!”

“I’m glad.  If you ever change your minds or even just want to come visit, you know you have a place to stay,” Negan told them.

The four of them talked for a little while, catching up on the little things.  Lily talked about the pregnancy, Amber and Lara told their story of how things turned around for them, and Negan beamed as he talked about becoming a dad.  Everything was peaceful for once.  Lily just hoped that it would stay this way.

“It’s getting dark,” Maggie said as she helped clean up the dishes from dinner, “You guys should stay.  We have room in the house.”

Negan swallowed his last bite of food, “I don’t want to impose, Mags.”

“It’s not imposing if I’m inviting you.  Please stay.”

“Thank you,” Lily said, “We appreciate that.”

The two of them were shown to the guest room and settled in quickly.  Lily nuzzled up to her intimidating teddy bear and sighed happily.  Negan caressed her head softly and hummed quietly.  

“Amber and Lara, huh?” he said.

“I swear to all that is holy, Negan, if you are fantasizing about that right now, I will lose my shit,” Lily joked with him.

He laughed, “Jesus, no.  I’m just...surprised.  Thrilled for them but surprised.  I didn’t know that Amber...ya know...fucked chicks.”

“Oh good lord, babe!” Lily laughed, “Always learning something new about people!”

He kissed her on the top of her head and agreed.  Lily felt her eyes getting heavy.  They continued their conversation but Negan could tell she was getting sleepy.  He turned off the side table lamp and let her relax.  “Goodnight, Lily,” he whispered as he felt her breathing slow down.  He pulled her in closer and placed a hand on her stomach.  A smile quickly spread across his face as he rubbed the small bump softly.  “Goodnight, little baby,” he whispered again.  

As he relaxed and felt sleep about to consume him, a bright light flipped on through the window.  He shot up, waking Lily in the process.  

“What the fuck is that?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” he replied, the worry in his voice growing.  He walked over to the window and looked outside.  

A voice came on over a megaphone, “Wakey wakey, people of Hilltop!  You have something that I need and I need them now!”  

“Simon…” Lily whimpered, her voice shaking.

“God fucking damnit!!!  Go to Amber and Lara and keep them safe!  I’ll stall him!” Negan grabbed his shirt and ran out of the room.  He bolted down the stairs and outside to the gate.  As he got to the top of the outpost, he saw Simon smile.

“Negan!” he yelled through the megaphone, “Fancy meeting you here!”

“What the fuck do you want, Simon?!” Negan yelled back.

“I want my property!”

“You don’t have any fucking property here!  Now get the fuck out of here!”

“Amber and Lara!  I want them back!  Just give them back to me and nobody has to get hurt!”

“They aren’t here, Simon!” Maggie met Negan at the top.

“Bull-fucking-shit!  I saw them!  I’ve been monitoring you for weeks, Negan!  I know you brought them here.  Now hand them over and we’ll go!”

Maggie and Negan looked at each other then back at Simon.  “What do we do?” she whispered to him.

“We keep doing this.  Lily’s got the girls.”

Lily had managed to get to Amber and Lara in a matter of moments and got them to a safe place.  Deep in the cellar of the house, there was a hiding spot that Maggie had told her about a while ago.  The three of them sat silently as Negan and Maggie handled Simon and the rest.

“How did he find us?” Amber whispered.

“I don’t know…” Lily’s voice trailed off as she tried to listen to what was happening.

Negan and Maggie stood their ground.  “Get the fuck out of here, Simon!  I can’t believe I have to tell you at two different communities now, man.  If you aren’t going to trade supplies, you can get the fuck away from here!  They aren’t fucking here!” Negan shouted.

Silence quickly fell as Simon grew more frustrated.  He huffed, “I will kill everyone in there if I have to!”

“You don’t fucking have to you, you fucking homicidal maniac! Get over it!  She left you!  Christ almighty, you are so pathetic!  Is your dick that fucking tiny that you gotta scare women into being with you?!  When I had my wives I at least fucking gave them the goddamn choice.  But you?!  You’re a fucking monster.  Just go the fuck home!”  Negan’s frustration grew.

“Come on, Negan,” Simon said but was quickly distracted when he saw Lily beside Maggie.  “Oh fuck.  You’re knocked up.”

“I am.  And this pregnant lady really needs her fucking sleep so if you could kindly FUCK RIGHT OFF WITH YOUR BULLSHIT, that would be appreciated.  They aren’t here so go,” she hollered to him.

“Ya know, I was trying to be nice.  I was trying to make this easy but clearly you’re not going to make it that way.  Fine, I’ll leave.  But next time, I’ll be bringing a goddamn arsenal so either you can have them for me next time or I can burn this place down. Again!” Simon climbed into the passenger’s side of the truck and instructed Gavin to drive away.  The few Saviors that had come along followed suit.  

The three of them sighed with relief. They climbed down slowly and went to get Amber and Lara from the cellar.  They had been crying quietly as they waited for the go ahead to come out.  

“I don’t know what else to do…” Negan said, completely defeated.

“You guys have been amazing but maybe it’s time we went somewhere else,” Lara suggested.

Lily immediately shut down the idea, “No fucking way that’s happening!  There has to be somewhere else we can take you.”

“The Kingdom,” Maggie suggested, “We can smuggle them over like we’re taking supplies to the Kingdom.  Carol won’t mind.  She should be coming by in a few days for some trading anyway.”

“What do you think?” Lily asked Negan.

He nodded, “That’s probably a good idea…”  

Amber grabbed his hand, “Negan, thank you for getting us out of there.  I’m sorry Simon is hung up on us coming back.  You saved us and I will never be able to thank you enough for that.  You’ve done enough for us.  I think we need to start handling it from here.”

“Yeah, yeah.  Okay.  That’s a good idea.  The less connected we are, the better.  I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you better.”

“You’ve been wonderful to us even though I was a fucking psycho at first.  I was so desperate for help that I thought maybe losing my shit first thing was the way to go.  In hindsight, not my smartest choice,” she admitted.

He shrugged, “I mean, I get it.  I just want you two safe now, okay?  So just get to the Kingdom and stay safe.”

Maggie chimed in, “We’ll handle it from here.  We should probably try to get back to bed now.”

They all found their way back to bed after settling down the rest of the Hilltop residents.  Lily and Negan lay there wide awake, worried that Simon would come back sometime during the night.  She kept assuring him that they did the right thing and that they will stay safe.  They did their best not to think about it but the thoughts clouded their minds to an extreme.  That night, there was no sleep for either of them.

[thinkingagain]

“I will never take direct arms against you, Sir, or otherwise harm you. If I understand your values correctly, that means you will never harm me. Or have I misunderstood?”

Sir Sleepy of the Bunny Nest (A Novel of the Revolution) Book Two: Empire Chapter 48

 “You may choose the distance,” Sir Sleepy of the Bunny Nest said to the Commandant. “You may choose open field or more protected terrain. See? I give you every advantage.”

Early morning light was pushing over the horizon of trees and breaking through the dying bits of smoke on the prison grounds.

The Commandant stood silently. “Sir,” it said at last. “Do you think I would be so stupid as to fight you directly, one on one? Do you think I believe that much in my own power, even with the only gun? Besides, what makes you think I want to fight you? It’s clear all I want is to help you. And remember, I know your rules of engagement. If anything has become clear to me in this conversation, it’s that you actually do believe them. And that, I have to say, is the most astonishing thing about you so far.” The Commandant pulled the pistol from its pocket.

The Madam breathed in sharply. The Sir, sword drawn, crouched low in a ready stance.

The Commandant bent down. It held the pistol near the ground and threw it some yards away while still clutching in its other Fleshy Piedmont the small mechanized screen. Then it stood up straight. “I will never take direct arms against you, Sir, or otherwise harm you. If I understand your values correctly, that means you will never harm me. Or have I misunderstood? Will you strike me down, weaponless, like a, oh, like you’re a Beast?”

“You will not fight me?” The Sir’s eyes glanced around, looking for tricks.

“I will not. I no longer have a weapon. You’re the only one who’s armed. Maybe you’re willing to compromise your values? There’s work to be done here. Maybe, to get that work done, your values must be discarded?”

The Sir looked at the Commandant through narrow eyes. “You are capable of the most low chicanery, it seems. You refuse a fair fight with a bunny who is only some small portion of your size. Nonetheless, I see there’s nothing I can do.”

“Nor ever will be.” The Commandant smiled. “Although it’s a bit unfair of you to neglect that you are, in fact, a very magic bunny, despite your size. You have,” the Commandant looked at the Sir’s weapon, “a lovely sword, but I’m not going to let you murder me with it.”

The Sir lowered his sword and placed it on the ground. He shoved the sword away from him.

The Commandant bowed in imitation of the Sir. “You stick to your principles even when they might hurt you. I respect you more than you know. You understand that no matter how much you work against me, you will never be rid of me? And the other Beasts I might have helped you control or destroy—you will never be rid of them either. You are helpless. You have promised to be helpless. It is obstinate and admirable and of no use. You can do nothing against me because you have made a promise.”

“I never made that promise.” The Madam, breaking her long silence, spoke from a few feet away. The Sir and the Commandant both looked at her. She held the Sir’s sword in her hands. “I know how many animals and people you’ve killed. I know how many others you’ll kill if I let you walk away.”

------------------------------------------

The morning sky had just begun to lighten when a single Beast slipped out a door in an outlying building of the prison, one untouched by any action the night before.

The Beast, wearing camouflage gear, carried with it a long slender black case. It made its way to one edge of the prison compound. There, a hill rose up from the wide flat stretch of the prison grounds and slipped into the shadowed trees on the hill.

Once in the trees, the Beast made its way as silently as a Beast can—which, depending on who is listening, is never all that silently—up the hill through the trees. On the crest of the hill, it found a wide patch of open ground ringed by rocks, not a natural feature, but a small Beast-created redoubt. There, behind the row of rocks, it began to set up.

Out of the long case came a high-powered Beast rifle, then an attachment which the Beast screwed on, lengthening the barrel and improving accuracy. Next was a long range sight that the Beast locked on top of the rifle. Its weapon now set, the Beast hunkered down among the rocks. Low tendrils of morning sun flashed across the ground.

For a moment the Beast breathed in the fragrant smell of damp morning grass, then shut the smell out of its mind. It pulled its computerized communication device out of its pocket and set the device on the ground nearby. The Beast looked through the rifle sight and quickly identified its target. Looking at the contact device, the Beast stretched out into a relaxed and ready posture along the ground and waited for the order.

------------------------------------------------

The Commandant’s mouth opened in an expression that was some combination of mystified and mocking, one eye turned sideways. ‘Oh, Lara. You too?” It still held its mechanized screen in a Fleshy Piedmont. “I guess I shouldn’t have hoped for anything else. Hope has always been my problem though, hasn’t it? But really, you’re not going to attack me. We both know it.”

“Why not?” The Madam moved the sword around in her hand, keeping her wrists and elbows flexible. “I know who you’ve killed and how, and why you’ll keep at it. I know that you need to keep filling your pathetic, monstrous ego.”

The Commandant took a step towards her. The Madam made a powerful overhand slashing movement with the sword.

The Commandant stepped back. “I see that you’ve learned how to use that. But really, you won’t, when it comes down to it.”

The Madam held the sword at readiness but made no move.

The Commandant grinned. “Your problem, Lara, is that you’ve always been a liberal. When you try to be radical, it doesn’t work. You can’t help it. You’re sweet. Sweet people always end up holding a bag of dirt, if they don’t end up under it. Living with and yes, for, your victimization is the endgame of people like you. You struggle, you complain, you look for reasonable alternatives and, no doubt, you’ll run when the situation gets dangerous. But you won’t ever fight for your beliefs, not enough. You won’t kill for them. Sure, you hate me enough to wish I was dead. But to take charge of things directly, no. Here I am, right here. If you’re going to kill me, go ahead.”

The Commandant again took a step closer to her.

-----------------------------------------

The rest of the Magic Animals were exhausted, but realized the importance of remaining vigilant. The totems, without the Madam again, voluntarily this time, looked around anxiously in the first tiny bits of morning sun and listened for any sound.

The Madam had made it clear that they needed to keep their distance when she walked off with the Sir and the Commandant. They understood why, but it went against everything they believed and felt. To be separated from her at a moment of danger, with no obvious task of their own, made their movements restive and disturbed. Even Love Frog was tense and listless.

Busterella, the most antagonized by waiting, had been moving around, agitated. Then she settled down finally into a motionless listening, stilling her nervousness and putting all her koala senses on alert. Her eyes and ears searched the air. Her paws and belly were flat against the ground, feeling for any relevant vibration.

Small contingents of Beast guards moved around the prison areas that were still standing and intact. The guards kept themselves quiet and ready. They had no more eagerness to attack.

Watching the guards, Muffin and Jack talked in low rabbit voices. “There must be something else,” Muffin said. “All my frog, grasshopper and panda instincts are telling me so.”

“I feel it too.” Jack was looking out at everything around him, searching for any sign of unexpected activity. “Sometimes nothing’s more tense than a moment of quiet. But what makes you think it so strongly?”

“Trickster mentality,” Muffin said, “can be addicting. The self-aware trickster knows when not to trick. But the addicted trickster tricks for the sake of tricking. The Commandant knows that the Sir won’t fight if no weapon is raised against him. Is the Commandant going to let it end in a draw? Is this Beast capable of that degree of patience?”

“Hard to know,” Jack said. “As good a reason as any to be suspicious.”

From where she sat, motionless, Busterella’s ears twitched. She rushed over to Jack and Muffin. With gestures of her claws and face, she showed them where to listen.

--------------------------------------------

The Sir, standing in the open field, watched as the Commandant circled in front of the Madam, threatening and backing off, threatening and backing off. The Madam held the Sir’s sword tightly, feinting with it whenever the Commandant came too close.

“Stop delaying,” the Commandant said. “If you want to kill me, try it. In the time you’re wasting here, I could have helped three dozen men destroy themselves on their own contradictions.” It stepped back as the Madam swung the sword in a protective arc.

Almost as if it hadn’t happened, the Commandant’s smallest Piedmont appendage tapped the mechanical screen, just once.

The Sir saw the flicker of the appendage. He leapt to the ground sideways. A bullet thudded into the earth right next to him. “Madam,” he shouted, never taking his eyes off the Commandant. The whistle of the bullet was already in the past.

------------------------------------

Crouching against the rocks, target directly in the rifle’s sights, the Beast heard the ding of the communication device. The ding startled it slightly. It turned its eyes from the sight for the briefest possible instant. It returned to the sight and fired.

The Beast could see it had missed its target. It cursed. It prepared for another shot.

Something kicked it hard in the head. The second shot never happened.

---------------------------------------

The Madam gasped and looked over to where the Sir had rolled in the grass. “Sir?!” she shouted.

The Commandant reached into its coat pocket, not the pocket that had held the pistol and mechanized screen, but the other one.

The Sir leapt again, this time right at the Commandant’s leg. “Madam,” he shouted. “The pocket. Another gun.” He dug his teeth into the Commandant’s leg. The Commandant, shouting, had pulled out the second pistol and was bringing it towards the Sir’s head.

The Madam ran forward two steps and, with a shout of anguish and anger, brought the bright blade down at the Commandant’s neck.

The Commandant’s pistol shot, jolted by the force of the blow, careened off to one side, barely missing one of the Sir’s forepaws.

The Sir rolled away, keeping his eyes on what was around him, sliding too much to jump forward.

The sword sliced through the Commandant’s neck, just above its outstretched, defending arm, snapping the spinal cord with a sickening crunch. The sword cut all the way through the neck and severed the head.

The Sir pushed himself to his feet. There was nowhere he had to leap to.

The Commandant’s headless body crumpled to the dirt. Beside it, the Commandant’s jugular and neck spouted blood, massively and uselessly, as if there was still a brain there that needed it.

[strangerfwendz]

May 18

Last night, I messaged brad some selfies of Leo. I’ve decided to name it Leo. He thinks I’m crazy but he joked that I got a new puppy to replace him. He didn’t seem too against it. I fell asleep with the puppy wrapped in a towel next to me. When I woke up I was on the couch in the living room. Brad and I talked a bit it was a nice conversation. My roommates were getting ready for classes and I was sooo tired. I couldn’t get up for a jog. I realized my classes started an hour later that day so I went back to my room to sleep. The puppy was sooo cute! I woke up and put it on top of me and went back to sleep and the little guy went up to my pillow and fell asleep curled up against my face. Adorable!!!

I eventually got up, did a bit of exercise that I learned from fitness club the other day. I cleaned up my bed in the case she messes with any of it and left her on the bed wrapped up in a towel.

I sat with lara, sofia, Julie, and marya at banquet. There was a debate about dress code cause sofia didn’t like that she had to tie her hair up. Especially because she walked through the buffet restaurant and ms anastasiia specifically came over to banquet to tell her to tie up her hair. Just follow the dress code, its not difficult. They were arguing that each teacher has different standards of the dress code and not all of them bother enforcing them or even following the rules themselves. The conversation somehow shifted over to why do we pay so much as globals and where does that money go. Then they called Mr Robert Van Dur Ham over. He suggested that we talk to mr bow about it. Make a case and bring it up to him over email or book an appointment to talk to him at his office. They were serving wine for the main course but it was past 12pm already. I downed the glass of wine and rushed back to palm beach. Leo was still sitting exactly as I has left her, I was relieved and impressed. I swooped her up and went to the pet store that Jason tried to bring me yesterday. Leo was shaking, I was getting anxious. The famous mill mill bar was right next to it pet store up a little staircase. I was really confused when I arrived as the staff was just a little boy? But later on it seemed to be a lady as she spoke knowledgably about the puppy and her products.  But this lady was so short she looked like she never went past puberty in primary school. I asked a bunch of questions about what I should get her and she made a few uncomfortable faces saying, “lets see if she lives first”. Thank you for your honesty but why do you say that? I bought a cage, food bowl, milk powder, puppy food. Jason(les roches) eventually came up to the store but he took so long to come by. When I messaged him earlier before I got there, he said he had just finished taking a shower so he shouldn’t have needed more then 10 minutes. He spoke to the lady and she said the puppy is probably a street dog. Jason threw his hands up and said ‘I knew it! You could buy it in my hometown for just 30 to 40RMB. No one wants it.” Then he sighed and said “oh well, whatever makes you happy.”  Jason’s wife, the driver, came up just as I had finished paying. They helped bring my stuff down. Jason didn’t have classes that afternoon and he skipped his morning class so I’m impressed that he offered to come out to help me during lunch. The driver was very nice to help bring up the things I had bought from the pet store to my room before sending me back to school.  

Vik texted me that I could share the cab with Cesar, some Mexican student from school. He needed to go to the same airport, perfect. I rushed back home after classes, called Andy for a change. Pretty much packed everything I wanted to bring back already, just needed one set of clothes really. I didn’t bother bringing my textbooks except French cause lets be honest, im not gonna study. I quicked setup the cage and put Leo inside. Jason arrived at 3.30pm and I texted Cesar to come up and help bring my suitcases down. I took whatever time I had left to hold Leo a little longer just so she knows I still care about her. Cesar came by, with Natalia who pretty much barged in, whatever. They squealed over Leo for a good 10 minutes of course. I would have loved to talk about Leo a little more but we really had to get going. I grabbed my backpack and Cesar carried both my suitcases down, chill~.

Jason kept asking me about which terminal the my flight was which I understand he’s just trying to help but my freaking ticket seriously didn’t have it written down. Heck, even the flight number was confusing. Eventually he called the airport and checked that it was the terminal one but also that my flight was delayed. Shhiiieettt. Jason said once the flight is delayed , oh man, it gets delayed by the hours and I still have a connecting flight to catch! its especially stressful when the lay over is less than 3 hours, I don’t time for this shit man. Anyways along the way, Cesar was a little panicked too cause he was suppose to meet his friend at 4pm, which made me wonder “why the heck did you stand around my apartment making goo goo eyes at my puppy?” He kept trying to contact his friend which he eventually managed to reach. They charged the meet up place and Cesar wanted to go there straight away, so Jason and I were deciding if we had time to send Cesar off first or not cause they were is different directions but Cesar kept insisting that it shouldn’t be that far from the airport. Jason said it would be an extra cost and we decided to send Cesar off first. Damn that silly boy kept insisting that its just a straight route back but boy that isn’t quite how the roads work around here, those are highways.

Fortunately, things went smoothly after, I got to the airport with enough time to check-in and get to my gate. It was not very busy but the staffs’ attitude really annoyed me. There is a security check-in at the entrance. I find myself standing there in front of the security looking at them like “okay, im standing right here waiting to go in, there isn’t anyone else around. What exactly do you want me to do? HELLOOOO!?!?!” UGH they just dazed off and here I am wondering seriously what if that person is in a rush man. Jeez, it was confusing and slow, the staff are so spaced out and nonchalant, how can I take them seriously? I was pretty irritated, tapping my foot impatiently as I waited in line. The lady at check-in was new, she was just transferred from a different department. She had no idea how to check me in so she asked me to go to another counter. The man at the other counter said I need to go check something inside my suitcase, it was just my old broken phone which I kept to download the rest of my photos but then realized was stupid cause im sure the app would need me to access a vpn in china. I headed over to the gate but when I reached the counter I didn’t realize that I was supposed to return to the check-in counter after checking my suitcase, to get my ticket. Urgh, so freakin annoyed but also so very thankful I know Chinese. God damn can’t imagine how I would survive this semester in Shanghai.

I lost my way a little bit when I was trying to find my gate. I arrived 10 minutes before the gate was scheduled to open but it was still delayed and I hadn’t eaten all day except that bit of bread and wine over lunch. I was craving fried chicken and rushed over to KFC for a quick bite. Yum. I struggled trying to pay attention to the announcements. They were very fuzzy and it felt like the Chinese voice was louder than the English one. I returned to the gate, still delayed. If I knew how long the delay would be, I would have loved to walk around and look at the many shops around but I was afraid that the gate would open at any time. I just sat there moping, listening to my music, and wishing I could sigh harder that I already was to express my frustration.

Finely, we board the plane but the expected arrival time was 11pm and I was suppose to be at the gate of my connecting flight at 10.30pm! Panicked, I asked the flight attendant what was I to do? No way was I gonna make it. I was sat between a grandma with long gel nails and a fancy updo she proudly did herself and a working office lady. During the flight, the lady and I both worked on our laptops then there were snack boxes brought to us. Despite the pathetic appearance, I was curious to try whatever “goods” the box possessed inside.

Afterwards, I started watching a movie while the working lady started reading. *sigh* really boosted the confidence in my own intellect. But whatever, I was entertained by the senseless romance movie I was watching. It had a cute passionate skinny girl who believed in the goodness of frozen food while the male lead was a typical handsome tall Eurasian. Might I just add how handsome the young boy was. God, he had such a pretty boy face. The actor was very good at coming off as arrogant in the beginning too. It probably would have been even better if he could have done it in English for the added intonations in his speech. We landed before the movie could end, I expected that.

Its 11pm and I’m stressing out again. I get off the plane and there is an airport staff waiting outside holding a sign with a light of flight numbers, one of them being my connecting flight. I eagerly show him my ticket for that flight, he says bluntly that there is now way I am going to make it and pastes a big red dot on me. He gives me some instructions about a counter on the second floor, I couldn’t really follow but whatever I’ll figure it out somehow. All the passengers pack themselves on a bus to the terminal and I’m making calls to the airline, they can’t help me because I am missing a code. I let out a sign and mutter under my breathe. A man asks me where I am going, I look over my should and answer accordingly. He had a head of mattered thick dark grey with mixed strands of white. He wore a red T shirt layered with a beige button down and a pair of matching shorts. He looked like an archeologist with a face full of sun spots and a pair of simple glasses. Noticing that he too had a big red dot pasted on his chest, I ask him that same question, he said Singapore. Noiice! From there we start talking in English, man that felt good. We quickly learn about each other as we figure out this shitty situation we’re in. It’s the first time to happen to me but a second time for him. He last time happened in china too, he wasn’t surprised. He explained that in china, especially in shanghai, the air trafficking in terrible. The flights are often delayed. We got our tickets rebooked. My earliest flight was the next afternoon at 2pm while his was at 7am. He decided to go with a flight closer to mine so he could at least get some sleep. He went down to our next destination, where we choose an accommodation of our choice within the two options offered by the airline. I went with the serviced apartments, love those, so much space. We exchange wechat information as we wait for the hotel to pick us up. Eventually, we checked into our rooms after midnight and agree to meet up for breakfast the next morning.

Laurent messaged me! So happy to talk to him again. Its so hard to contact him, miss him dearly. He’s usually busy with his internship in London now but he’s also generally bad at responding to texts. I hate that about him. Anyways I told him about my little trip over the weekend and the whole delayed situation. He said my parents were a little over the top to be spending so much for only two days back. He’s probably right but to them it meant a lot and it was worth the expense. Its there money not mine, especially if it makes them happy. Besides the whole idea of a sudden getaway is very exciting and I get to see my dad!

[booksinabundance]

Lara Jean Song Covey and Peter Kavinsky

I should probably talk about the Jenny Han series that recently ended on May 2, 2017. If you don’t know, I don’t think it has an official series title, but most people (and Goodreads) just call it the “To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before” series after the title of the first book. (Sidenote: It’s a really good title but super long).

The first book in the series was published in 2014, but I only started reading it about a year late, in early 2015 when I decided to try reading more contemporary books. It was the best decision of my life because if I hadn’t picked it up, I wouldn’t have encountered the incredible romance between Lara Jean and Peter. Of course, the whole series does not revolve exclusively around their romance—it mostly focuses on Lara Jean’s coming-of-age story, but with the help of a little romance.

After finishing the first book, I immediately pre-ordered the second because it was about to be published in a matter of months. When it finally came, I couldn’t believe how ecstatic I was with it. At the time, nobody knew that a third book was in the making. I don’t think even the author knew that it was in the making. All I expected was how it was going to end because I want to know what happens with Lara Jean and Peter and their relationship.

The journey to their romance from the first book was a slightly crooked one, because they first came together with the intention of making other people jealous, but Peter actually started to develop feelings for her, and Lara Jean just doesn’t know how to deal with that, what with it being such a freaky relationship in the first place. I love how she dealt with it, though, and I think that was a sign of her growing up.

The second book in the series continues with them trying to form a real relationship this time, and I have to admit that the journey was really fun to read. I liked how they were so honest with each other and how much they were willing to try with the relationship, especially on Peter’s side. As the reader, we can’t tell what Peter’s thinking because this is a first-person-POV story, so we can only tell from his behaviors and the words that he says. Judging from that alone, I really do believe that Peter loves her and we know now that it wasn’t fake at all.

The second book could possibly be my favorite of the three, though; it’s in competition with the last book because that ending is just perfect. All of my favorite scenes from the series come from the second book, so if I judge it on that aspect alone, then the second book’s my favorite. One of my favorites that really stuck out for me, especially after two years, was the scene in which Peter decided he wanted her back by coming up to her and giving her back the necklace that he gave her for Valentine’s Day.

I’m about to get into his car when I see Peter striding over to us. “Hold up a second,” he says, a pleasant half smile on his face.

Warily I say, “Hey.”

“Hey Kavinsky,” John says.

Peter gives him a nod. “I didn’t get a chance to say happy birthday, Covey.”

“But—you saw me in chem class...,” I say.

“Well, you left in a hurry. I have something for you. Open up your hands.” He takes the snow globe out of my hand and gives it to John. “Here, can you hold this?”

I look from Peter to John. Now I’m nervous.

“Hold your hands out,” Peter prompts. I look at John one more time before I obey, and Peter pulls something out of his pocket and drops it into my palms. My heart locket. “It’s yours.”

Slowly I say, “I thought you returned the necklace to your mom’s store.”

“Nope. Wouldn’t look right on another girl.”

I blink. “Peter, I can’t accept this.” I try to give it back, but he shakes his head; he won’t take it. “Peter, please.”

“No. When I get you back, I’m gonna put that necklace back around your neck and pin you.” He tries to hold my eyes with his own. “Like the 1950s. Remember, Lara Jean?”

I open my mouth and then close it. “I don’t think pin means what you think it means,” I tell him, holding the necklace out to him. “Please, just take it.”

“Tell me what your wish is,” he urges. “Wish for anything, and I’ll give it to you, Lara Jean. All you have to do is ask.”

I feel dizzy. All around us, people are exiting the building, walking to their cars. John is standing beside me, and Peter is looking at me like we’re the only two people here. Anywhere.

It’s John’s voice that makes me break away. “What are you doing, Kavinsky?” John says, shaking his head. “This is pathetic. You treated her like garbage and now you decide you want her back?”

“Stay out of it, Sundance Kid,” Peter snaps. To me he says softly, “You promised you wouldn’t break my heart. In the contract you said you wouldn’t, but you did, Covey.”

I’ve never heard him sound so sincere, so heartfelt. “I’m sorry,” I say, my voice whisper-thin, “I just can’t.”

Even though I’ve seen this passage many, many times, I still get the feels every time I read it.

The thing about this scene is that Peter is the one who wants her back. He’s the one who’s trying. The guy who takes everything for granted in his life is chasing the one thing that was willing to leave from Peter’s life. And then he mentions the 1950s, something that Lara Jean mentioned during one of their conversations and I remember vividly how, in that moment, Peter didn’t know what to make of what Lara Jean said. It seemed as though it was important to him, so for me, I thought that he would immediately forget about it. But, no, he didn’t, as evidenced by this scene. That is what made this scene the best for me.

I hate how her endings are very quick and don’t last long enough. Every single time I read her endings, I always want it to be more than it is, but you can’t always get what you want.

Now, to the final book. I read this two years after P.S. I Still Love You, and during all that time, I had already made my peace with the fact that it was a duology, even though I wanted MORE from the series. So it shocked me when a year later she announced to everyone that she would be writing a THIRD BOOK in the series. I couldn’t believe it at first, it just felt so surreal. The next few months continuously told me how much of it was real, like interviews with Entertainment Weekly, and the announcement of the release date, and then the cover. It all still felt surreal, but once the cover finally showed, I knew then that it was real.

The third book, this time, is not about how their relationship is going to work out. It already has. They’re relationship is as real as it could get. Peter does all these boyfriend things for Lara Jean and every scene that shows him doing just that is exactly why I love this relationship. Lara Jean doesn’t force Peter to do these things; he does it because he wants to. They even made a compromise about which movies they should watch and it is ADORABLE. But like all relationships, and life in general, something will cause a friction in their relationship, and that something is the future. Nobody knows for sure what their future will be like, and so seeing them form these plans is nice and all, but they’re not being realistic. It hasn’t even happened yet and they’re all being way too relaxed. I remember when I first got admitted to college. It wasn’t the best, the waiting part. It was stressful, because I was so afraid I wouldn’t get in. I had to have all these contingency plans because relying on getting into the one school is not a good idea. It was only through luck, I think, that I got in from the first try.

It wasn’t a wish for me to have on the couple that they should get hit by something bad, but that’s what being realistic is all about. You have to accept the fact that life can’t always go the way you want it to. It will go on, and the only way you will survive is if you handle yourself around it, not force it to change for you.

Another favorite scene of mine is in this book. It’s the one where Peter shows up to Lara Jean’s dad’s wedding and she approaches him. They talk about their relationship and Peter’s argument is spot-on.

“Neither of us wants to break up. So why should we? Because your sister did it that way? You’re not the same as your sister, Lara Jean. We’re not the same as Margot and Sanderson or anybody else. We’re you and me. And yeah, it’s gonna be hard. But Lara Jean, I’ll never feel for another girl what I feel for you.”

The last line is doubtful (when you look at it from a realistic viewpoint), but I love that he said that. I don’t care if it’s cheesy, most love stories are.

There is also another favorite from this book that is worth mentioning, and that is the final scene of the book, and the series as a whole. It’s when Peter and Lara Jean are lying down on the ground, and Peter suddenly says “The first sixth-grade assembly.”

It all seems so out of the blue, but when you read the book from the start, you know what he means by this answer because they’ve had this conversation before. They had a conversation about the first time they met each other, and Lara Jean doesn’t remember how she first met Peter, but Peter does. Lara Jean asked him about it, but he doesn’t want to say. Throughout the book, this isn’t mentioned again, so I thought that we were never going to find out how they first met. It wasn’t until the final chapter that we finally know, and I swear to God it was like Jenny Han knew that while reading the whole book, I couldn’t get over how they first met, and after a torturous amount of chapters and pages, she finally answered the question and it was AMAZING.

I don’t know if I will ever find a love story as great as this. Maybe I have, and I just haven’t realized it. Jenny Han, if you’re reading this, thank you for putting this couple out into the world for us to read. They mean a lot to me, and I appreciate you writing this story. I hope your next books become favorites, too, but don’t let it surpass the great romance that is Lara Jean and Peter.

[tinkerbellafan]

The Mystery Box

Summary:  During an errand run for Crowley you and Dean run into some problems forcing Dean to do something he doesn’t want, so he can save you.

Pair: Demon!Dean x Reader

Warnings: Language, minor violence

Word Count: 2037

A/N: This is for #Lara’s 400 Challenge. I used the prompt “Remind me to never let you do that again” I love your story ‘My Knight of Hell’ its progression is very original, and I “Fake” You. They all are so well written and give a different perspectives. This will be my first story so I only hope you enjoy it.

You clocked out from work after your shift at the bar and headed out the door to walk the two blocks to your apartment, suddenly everything went dark. When you open your eyes again you’re sitting in a chair in a dark room. “Y/N? Are you awake?” A familiar voice brings you out of your haze. “Crowley” your furrowed brow and dripping hatred in your one word obvious.

“So you do remember me. Perhaps you also remember our little agreement then?” You remember it but you also were in no rush to get it done. Your soul was already his in 10 years so why did you have to become his servant before then? Although by far it was the craziest thing you’d done, it was a deal you never once regretted. Your niece had her mother back, you got your sister back and no one needed to know how it all really happened. 

“Since you seem to get lost when I ask you to do things, this time I’m sending an escort.” He was clearly annoyed with you. Just enough to bitch about it but not enough to punish you; a fine line when it came to dealing with the king of hell. “I don’t need a babysitter, especially one of your pathetic minions” You grumbled in defiant protest but you knew there was nothing you could do about it.

“Y/N, you and Dean will go and collect something for me……a special item that I need.” Crowley spent the next few minutes filling you in on the details and why it had to be you and Dean to go get this “special item” of his. “So where is this Dean that I have to work with?” snarky is an understatement for your tone at this point. Dean wasn’t even here for this; it can’t be that important. “Dean will catch up with you on the road.” Crowley answered you without even looking up or skipping a beat. As much as you hated to admit it, he was right, you would need a little assistance, you weren’t exactly the toughest around.

With a snap of his fingers Crowley put you back on the corner, apparently he was done talking and it was time for you to go, goodbyes were never his strong suit. Walking down the street towards your car you pull out your phone to map out your trip, you’d only need to make one stop overnight and you should be back by the end of the week. It almost seemed too easy.

You found a cheap motel conveniently connected to a bar to stay in after driving all day.

Since you’re in for the night you head over. “Might as well have a little fun on this trip.” You mumble to yourself as you put on a decent outfit and head to the bar. After your second whiskey you survey the area, maybe there’s someone here that can take your mind off it all. Scanning around you see a couple guys at the bar, they are not exactly ideal, but will do in a pinch. There’s a group of guys playing pool, only one of them draws your interest.

He’s tall with broad shoulders and eyes that sparkle when he looks up at the light. That seems like the kind of trouble you need right about now. So you grab your beer and saunter over to the pool table and throw your hat in the ring to play the winner.

He flashed a cocky smirk up at you as he finished off his competition. “You sure you want to do that sweetheart? I wont go easy on ya” His voice was deep and musky, sending a shiver down your spine. “I’m no ones sweetheart, just wait till I wipe that cocky smile off your face when you lose.” You shot back in a sassy flirty tone.

The game went faster than he expected as you barely let him have a turn. His cocky grin turned to concern as you were sinking the eight ball in the corner pocket while drinking your beer.

“So, Romeo you got a name or should I just call you a sore loser?”. After tossing back his whiskey in one gulp “Dean, and you are….” He held out his hand to you. “Y/N, but I have a feeling that you already knew that.” “Ya got me” he held up his hands in symbolic surrender

You nod your head and he follows you to the booth in the corner. “So did Crowley fill you in on what we’re supposed to be doing?” You know you should be listening, but his words fade into the background as you study his features up close. His chiseled jaw line covered with just the right amount of scruff. Now up close you can see his eyes are a brilliant emerald green. Freckles in just the right proportion…. “Earth to Y/N” he snaps his fingers in front of your face jerking you back into reality.  

“Alright clearly we’re not going to get any work done until we get this out of the way, let’s go back to your room.”  You sort of hear his words, but not really, still entranced by him. You followed his lead as he tossed a few bills on the table and walked out of the bar. He ushered you in front of him as you walked back to your room still not sure where this was going.

The second you stepped into the room he pressed your body to the wall with his lips. A kiss so feverish and rough, looking up you see his eyes are black as night you froze in shock. “Y/N, did I guess that wrong?” Dean stepped back with a look of concern in his eyes. “I’m going to need an answer Y/N” His gravel voice pulled you back to reality. “Remind me to never let you do that again” using both hands against his chest you pushed him away. “How you can think I’d ever be into a demon….” Your voice trailed off as you stepped around him and plopped on your bed, laptop in hand.

You tried to forget his advance but something in you was curious. He sat in the chair by the window with a bottle in his hands watching reruns on TV. You had to remind yourself, he’s a demon, luckily they don’t sleep or you would have the awkward conversation about sharing the bed. Tomorrow can be a fresh start.

When you woke the next morning he was gone, you got up and got ready uninterrupted, maybe he decided to meet me there wishful thinking that was crushed as he stepped through the door carrying coffee and donuts. “Consider this my apology” he said holding the box out to you.

“So are all demons that aggressive or are you a special case?” You couldn’t help but tease him. “whatever Y/N, I’m sorry, I thought…...nevermind.” Dean actually looked apologetic taking all the fun out of it. “we all make mistakes.” You shrugged picking up your bag heading to the door. “We better get going so we can get this over with.”  “Alright but we’re taking my car, not whatever piece of crap you stole to get here.” You followed Dean to his car, an impeccably kept 60’s black mustang. Hmm he can’t be that bad if this is his car your love of muscle cars betrays your hardened resolve.

Finally pulling up to the old museum on the edge of this small town, your goal is just beyond the doors. “Okay see you when you get back.” Dean settled back into his seat. “What do you mean? I thought you were supposed to help me get this thing.” You tried to hide your concern and fear but failed. “Well sweetheart, I’m the muscle of the operation, but you, Y/N have to get it out of those doors. The whole building is warded, so I can’t get in. Why else do you think Crowley sent a human?” Dean stated it as a fact you should’ve known.

I’m not your sweetheart you mumbled to yourself as you walked through the doors of the museum and blended into the tour group walking by the door. After ducking into the bathroom, you retraced your steps and found the case you were looking for, slipped it into your bag and rejoined the tour group in time to ask a few questions.  Walking out the door you finally let yourself relax.

Dean hadn’t noticed you walking back to the car, lost in his own world of classic rock and air drums. He jumped when you opened the door, priceless. “Alright John Bonham lets get out of here.” Teasing him seemed to come second nature to you. “Oh look who thinks she knows something, let me see the mystery box.” His smirk was no longer annoying but endearing “Just drive Dean”

The drive back was basically a road trip with a good friend. Good music, good snacks, and good stories. You had to remind yourself that Dean was actually a big bad demon. “Who ever heard of a demon obsessed with pie.. “Shh, Y/N I think we’re being followed” All of sudden he became very serious and swerved the car down a gravel road in between the corn fields. 

“I knew it was way too easy, put the case in the black box in the trunk. Stay here, If I’m not back in an hour, take it and run” He tucked you and the car out of site, with eyes black as night he grabbed some weird bone knife and disappeared into the rows. This is the Dean that you’d heard of, the brutal dangerous warrior.  You could hear grunts and screams but saw no one. Your heart almost jumped out of your chest when a man came running through the corn reaching for your door. Dean ran up behind him, killed him and immediately jumped in the car.

“Y/N!! Are you ok? Those weren’t the demons I was expecting, they were angels, Y/N what the hell did Crowley send you to get?!?!”

He sped off zigzagging down the back roads a bit before you told him to pull over so you could look in the case. Protected against demons in the black box, Dean couldn’t touch it, so it was up to you to take a peak. “It’s…..its a bone????” Your shock and curiosity overrode your fear. “Are you kidding me? All this over a bone??? Well Y/N whosever bone this is must be important…. damn…there’s only one place safe enough to take this thing.” You naively asked “Back to Crowley?” but the glare he shot you told you all you needed to know. “Son of a bitch!!”  Dean grunted slamming his fist on the hood of the car. “It’ll take us a day’s drive, you might as well get in the back so you can sleep, we can’t risk the stop. They’re going to be on our ass every step of the way.” You could tell by the look on his face, wherever you were headed he really didn’t want to go.

Dean pulled out his cell phone and stared at a number but never dialed at least ten times in the first 5 hours. “Can’t decide what to tell the missus?” you tried to ease the tension in the car with a joke. “Y/N, I’m about to do something that could very well kill me, enough with the jokes.” Who knows how many more times while you were sleeping he started to call.

“Y/N, wake up we’re here. Be quiet” Dean tapped your shoulder crouched down outside of the car whispering. “Where is here, exactly? You said pretty loudly, causing your voice to echo in this big garage. You could hear someone running towards the door at the other end of the garage.

A tall man with brown hair came barreling in with a gun drawn at you. “Who are you and how did you get in here?!”  “I…I…I…”  you held your hands up in surrender but fear kept you from speaking.

“Hi Sammy” Dean turned to face the man.

The gun dropped to his side

“Dean….”

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

Lunarly is the self-care box for people who are into crystals

I am not good at self-care. 

That's not to say that I'm not good at performing self-care. I will never turn down a chance to slap on a sheet mask, Instagram a dissolving bath bomb, and precariously balance my laptop on the closed toilet to hate-watch The Bachelor. Aside from my tendency to consume Flaming Hot Cheetos for breakfast, I'm pretty good at taking care of my body. 

But when it comes to mental health, that all kind of goes out the window. 

Relaxing isn't my forte. Whenever I attempt a "self-care" night, I find myself fidgeting in a tub of glittery bathwater, waiting for enough time to pass for me to be able to justify spending upwards of $8 on being pastel human soup. Meditation is exhausting — how are you supposed to empty your mind when there's so damn much to think about? And while I've become that person who lives in L.A. and got into the habit of daily yoga, I spend a lot of it anxiously planning out my day instead of paying attention to my breathing. 

Which is where Lunarly's subscription box comes in. The self-care box's website advertises "learning the art of self-care," and a monthly subscription offers members a plant, a notebook and stickers, and a handful of curated "wellness products." Its mission is to encourage subscribers to "set intentions" as a way to live for mindfully. 

Launched in the summer of 2018, Lunarly is the brainchild of BuzzFeed and Scotts Miracle-Gro. According to Bloomberg, the collaboration was an effort to advertise gardening to young people. 

SEE ALSO: The Sill's plant delivery service will convince you of your own green thumb

Basically, taking care of yourself — even if it's with the help of an aesthetically-curated marketing tactic — is in right now. But is paying $40 a month worth it? 

Image: courtesy of lunarly

Image: courtesy of lunarly

The Sap Moon Box

Each box corresponds with the new moon; the Lunarly website says that at the beginning of the moon cycle, subscribers are supposed to set their intentions and figure out how to live better. 

"The full moon marks the culmination of your chosen affirmation and is as crucial to intention setting as the new moon," the FAQ states.

I don't consider myself a crystal kind of person, but I can comfortably say I'm crystal-adjacent. By that, I mean that I own a salt lamp because I think it looks nice, I keep Co—Star notifications on, and I have perused the stands dotting the Pacific Coast Highway that sell sage bundles and mango boxes. While I appreciate the aesthetics of it all, I can't imagine taking any of it seriously. 

But I'm willing to give it a try. 

Image: mashable/morgan sung

March's box corresponds to the "Sap Moon." A card included in the box says the moon was named for "the unfolding of the world beginning to melt and move," after sap from maple trees begins to flow. OK. 

This month's box includes a spider plant, a bar of lemongrass sage soap, a bag of incense pyramids, a rock, the standard notebook and stickers, and a mushroom-ginger-green tea "drink." 

The plant

Lunarly's plant was by far the biggest disappointment in the box, but that was mostly my fault — the box was delivered on a Friday when I was on vacation, and I didn't free the poor spider plant from its cardboard prison until Monday morning. By the time I finally gave it some water and fresh air, half of it was wilted. 

This plant was ... a little rough.

Image: mashable/morgan sung

This is what the plant is supposed to look like, according to images provided by Lunarly. Look at how lush my plant could have been!

Beautiful! Lush! This is what my plant could have looked like.

Image: courtesy of lunarly

The spider plant perked up considerably after a few days in the sunlight on the ledge of my apartment's patio, and even made a new snail friend. I did really like that Lunarly sent a pet-safe plant — something my asshole cat (coincidentally named Lunar!) took advantage of the second I looked away. 

New snail friend!

Image: mashable/morgan sung

My very rude cat was a fan of the pet-safe plant.

Image: mashable/morgan sung

Let this be a warning: If you're going to subscribe to Lunarly, open it RIGHT AWAY. I do wonder how the plants would survive being delivered in the middle of the summer or during a winter cold snap. Luckily Los Angeles is relatively temperate in late February/early March, so I'm pretty sure that if I had freed the plant the day it was delivered instead of letting it suffocate for a weekend, it would have looked less pathetic. 

Incense cones

This month's box also included a full-size package of Reverse Karma Pyramid Incense Cones, which run for $8.95 for seven cones online. It was listed under "Restore" on the list of products that came with the box.

Image: mashable/morgan sung

Lunarly's description said the cones' "dreamy scent, released with fire," would "invoke clear thoughts for planning the seasons ahead." 

I popped one in what I hoped was a flame-proof bowl and lit it up. The card instructed me to "waft the smell of the earth to ground you during your self-care routine." I don't know if I'd describe what I felt as grounded, but the incense did smell like the Buddhist altar at my grandma's house, which was nice. Neither the product card nor Reverse Karma's website listed what the cones were made of — what if someone had allergies? 

I'm also wary of Reverse Karma. Its items have names like "Sage That Sh*t" (sage bundles for nearly $12) and "Stay Lit" (incense sticks), there's something culturally appropriative-ish about the whole brand. They're not explicitly stealing from cultures, but it all comes off as someone who went to a Southeastern Asian country once for two weeks and decided to market its traditions to millennials. 

Aragonite

I literally laughed out loud when I opened the little velvet bag that held this month's crystal because it was so tiny. For the Sap Moon, Lunarly sent a nugget of aragonite, which is supposedly a "mineralized beam of light." Here it is, next to a tiny hand for scale.

Image: mashable/morgan sung

Described as "strong, but delicate, and ever moving forward," the hunk of rock is meant to remind you that "moving on is letting go." The card instructed me to try a mindfulness exercise while holding the rock, breathing deeply as I imagined light coming from the rock. 

"Where does the light go?" the card asked. "Take note." 

I usually dismiss crystals' healing properties, but the exercise was a chill way to avoid being on the hell that is the internet for ten minutes. Sometimes you do need a break. I wish the rock was bigger, though. 

Lemongrass sage soap

This month's box also included some incredible smelling soap from Spinster Sisters Co. Its website lists the soap for $3 for a 0.9 ounce bar. It was under "Care" on the list of products that came with the box. 

I would eat this if I didn't know it was soap.

Image: mashable/morgan sung

I'm not going to lie, the soap smelled delicious, like an herby lemon tart. If you told me that it was a Lara bar, I'd probably try to take a bite out of it. 

While the card provided with the box suggested using the soap "often to strengthen your soul this Sap Moon," I experienced no soul strengthening. The card wasn't clear on what soul strengthening was supposed to feel like, but if it's anything like pleasantly citrus-scented hands all day, then maybe my soul was strengthened! 

Mushroom Matcha drink mix

The "Care" section of the card also included Four Sigmatic's Mushroom Matcha Drink Mix, which runs a whopping $33 for a 20-serving package. The card claims that it "gets your mind moving" since it's caffeinated. 

Image: mashable/morgan sung

Adhering to the package's suggestions, I mixed the matcha powder into hot water and topped it off with some oat milk and honey. It was disgusting. The additions didn't help the taste — the green tea drink tastes what I'd expect mushroom flavored La Croix to taste like. There's only a hint of mushroom, but it's somehow both unsatisfying and overpowering. 

And the people around me found it repulsive, too.

My roommate, who usually enjoys the taste of dirt and regularly drinks weird herbal-infused liquors, described the tea as "how the smell of Manhattan would taste." My other roommate spat it into the sink as soon as she took a sip. We even tried to give it to my cat, who will beg for any kind of human food and regularly hunts insects, but he sniffed it and promptly walked away. This is an animal who likes to eat snails. If even he doesn't find the drink appealing, who will?

Setting intentions

The part I struggled with the most was setting intentions, mainly because I have no idea what that is in the first place. 

Another card that came with the box described intentions as "values we seek to embody every day." Based on the lunar cycles, setting intentions is meant to "manifest the absolute best versions of ourselves." 

"Intention setting is choosing an intention to carry with you every day," the FAQ read, which is just as helpful as describing anxiety as "when you're feeling anxious." 

Image: mashable/morgan sung

Lunarly's FAQ about it wasn't clear, either. It suggested ways to set yourself up while setting intentions, with phrases like "find a peaceful place to THINK clearly" and "speak your truth." I tried it all, and I still couldn't figure out what I was supposed to be looking for. 

Instead, I made a list of goals to decrease my overwhelming and constant anxiety, but I'm still not sure what an intention is. The journal and the stickers reminded me of bullet journaling, another self-care aesthetic I was enthusiastic about but wasn't able to stick to. 

This notebook was a cute exercise in scrapbooking that kept me accountable. In the three days of "intention setting" I did, I felt overall less jittery and less on the verge of panic, but I think that was more from me cutting back on the sheer amount of caffeine I was consuming instead of cleansing my soul. 

At the end of the day, I'm still not sure who this box is meant for. If you're just starting out in the world of mindfulness and Instagrammable spirituality, Lunarly leaves its main goal of intention setting unexplained. 

If you're already well-versed in the world of pseudo-Buddhism and meditation and sage burning, then you probably know where to get incense cones that aren't $8.95 for seven and likely don't need motivational stickers that declare "Literally Plant Even" for your practice. Obviously a cute notebook won't take the place of an actual mental health professional, but I think this box would be better for beginners if it had more clear guidelines.

That's not to say that the box isn't worth it, from a monetary perspective at least. My pet peeve is when subscription boxes send tiny "sample" sizes that feel more like miniaturized clutter. I appreciate that Lunarly sent full-sized items that you'd actually use (aside from that nasty tea, but maybe someone in this vast world thinks it's tasty) instead of things that will take up space. This is not a subscription box of knick knacks you'll keep until your annual Netflix-fueled KonMari clutter sweep. 

I also want to note that individually, the items in the box tally up to over $40 a month. There are plenty of things that cost $40 a month — like the time I signed up for a free trial of YouTube TV to watch the premiere of The Bachelor and forgot to cancel it once the trial was over. I'll admit that as silly as Lunarly's suggestions felt, I'd rather spend $40 on one of their boxes than on another month of hate-watching The Bachelor. 

Would I actually buy a monthly subscription to Lunarly? Probably not — even if I'd choose it over The Bachelor, I think there are better ways to spend my money than on comically small rocks. There are also more effective ways to learn the art of self-care. 

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